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“孩子，对不起……你的雪人去世了。”
——Smelly_Black_Twat
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妻子翻看着我的手机，突然抬起头来，满面怒容地对我嘶吼：“你个王八蛋！在网上写了这么多死胖子的段子，每一条都特么的是我吗？！”
“咳，亲爱的，别犯傻啦，我怎么会针对你呢，”我划着十字对天发誓道，“纯粹只是因为你凑巧是个死胖子而已！”
——oor wullie
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你知道吗？其实有这样一个网站，完美地模拟了身为核弹爆炸浩劫后唯一幸存者的感受。
那个网站叫MySpace。
——Just Sage
//MySpace作为社交类网站先驱，被Facebook超过后迅速失去吸引力，被誉为时代的眼泪
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就在刚才，我和老板交换了意见——
我带着自己的意见走进他的办公室，带着他的意见出来。
——Drone
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看到《每日邮报》上一个专栏报道，说是一名女子在做乳腺切除手术之前，特地开了一个欢送趴踢，“送别”自己的咪咪。
我倒也开过一个类似的告别自己卵蛋的趴踢：我的结婚喜宴。
——jackmeough
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给女性做一次简单的前列腺检查，就可以精确地判断出她的智商：
肯让你检查的绝逼是蠢爆了。
——根据rocket11的段子改编
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乔布斯在天堂过得并不舒坦——爱开玩笑的上帝，逼着他每隔9到12个月就必须买一副新棺材。
——davemk02
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假如说，《查理周刊》遇袭一事，真的教会了我们什么的话……
……那一定就是法语里“我是”这两个字怎么说了……
——Pakistink
//“我是查理(Je Suis Charlie)”运动
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不得不说，美国人永远也不能拥有法国人那样的品位和格调。
在美国，如果警方击毙一个黑人，那立刻全国暴动骚乱。
而在法国，却会有四百万人喝彩欢呼。
——WideAndWonderful
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一天深夜，有一群光头党在街上闲逛，他们发现有一个巴基斯坦人独自在街上走着，当即拿出了光头党的样子，跑去那个巴基佬儿面前对他又推又搡。
眼看他们就要把对方暴打一顿，光头党里一个带头的小伙子突然窜出来说：“哎，咱们今天心情好，给你个机会好了。老子口袋里呢，正好有个骰子，你来扔一下，如果扔出的数字是一到五呢，我们就把你扁到你妈都不认识你。”
“那如果……我扔出六呢？”
“再扔一次啊。”
——nabnabking
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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
只要把蚂蚁扔进水里，就可以轻易判断出它的性别。
If it sinks: girl ant
如果沉下去了：是少女蚂蚁。
If it floats: boy ant
如果浮起来了：是少男蚂蚁。
("boy ant"连起来即为“boyant”，近似“buoyant/有浮力的&rdquo
——cunninglinguist
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常听见有人惋惜说：“唉，乔布斯没的也太快了。”
这话和他开的公司对于手机电池的态度，倒也相映成趣。
——Frankie Boyle
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你知道吗？恋童癖这种病其实是可以治愈的，这一病症的症结在于大量缺铅，而最佳的治疗方法就是以高速将大量铅质直接送到颅骨深处，至于注射器具，我是听说史密斯威森公司产的就十分不错。
——Spotted One
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今天我全程看着妻子生产，不由得赞叹如今科技进步的奥妙。
若不是有iPhone FaceTime和酒吧中的免费WiFi，我又怎可能见证这重要的时刻。
——Chancemyarm
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“哎，外面天这么冻，”妻子对我说，“我出门前能不能麻烦你把我的鞋擦擦呀？”
别看牛皮没擦得如何，这鞋跟儿我真是擦得锃亮啊……
——scotty528
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结婚六个月就生孩子的女性怎么称呼？
天主教徒。
——trustmeimyourwifesdoctor
//天主教反对婚前性行为，故急于寻人接盘
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看到新闻里说，贾斯汀·比伯去年圣诞节给自己买了一架私人飞机当礼物。
那我也给他提前送一份生日礼物吧：
我为他聘用了一名印尼飞行员，可以任他使用到不再需要为止。
——Chancemyarm
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老婆在床底下找出了小三的内裤，她厉声尖叫：“这鬼东西是什么人的，啊？！”
“这个，这个肯定是你的东西嘛亲爱的，”我浑身发抖勉强挤出这几个字，“不信的话你、就穿穿看啊。”
这样我特么至少能有30分钟时间可以逃得远远的了……
——Rocket11发布于 肥胖 栏目
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刚看完电影《美国狙击手》，不得不说这部影片令我十分吃惊。
不该是个高中学生才对吗？
——Rocket11
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我发起了一次请愿，呼吁政府禁止个人收集签名的行为。
已有五千人签字相应我的号召。
——cola79
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最近我出了一份调查问卷，询问了一百名男性和一名女性他们对于性别平等问题的看法。
——pigeon
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妻子觉得家里有两个孩子压力很大。
尤其是因为她今早出门时还有三个。
——Drone
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一个基督徒、一个犹太人和一个穆斯林走进一家酒吧。
酒保说：“喂喂等等，这不会是个段子吧？”
“如果是段子的话，”只听穆斯林说，“我现在就去抄家伙把这儿的人全杀光。”
——andychrist
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惊闻伦敦南部有一个11岁的自闭症男孩走丢了，我也决定参与到寻人行动中去。
我心想，各种专家和专业人士都很多，我要怎么才能帮上忙呢？最好的方法，应该就是我也像一个自闭症男孩一样去思考吧……
于是妈逼我也走丢了。
——Rocket11
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If the Charlie Hebdo cartoonists had used rubbers, maybe there would be fewer unhappy Muslims.
假如《查理周刊》的漫画家们肯用橡皮，那或许会少一些不满的穆斯林。
If Muslims had used rubbers, there would be fewer of them and we'd all be happy.
而假如穆斯林们肯用橡胶(套套)，那就会少一点穆斯林，而我们就都能开开心心的了。
——gaz said
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.
昨晚我嘴里叼着一根新式的电子烟，迷迷糊糊地就睡着了。
I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet.
半小时后蓦然惊醒，却发现整个屋子都已经连上网了。
(仿普通烟会让屋子“着火——on fire&rdquo
——nathan321
=================重口反白===============================
昨天我去一家招工的农场面试，面试官问我有没有过整条手臂伸进母牛[哔——]里的经验。
我默默地拿出一张妻子的照片。
明天是我上班第一天。
——Bungditin
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
