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神回复：“父是康！”
老妈天生乐观，一天却惆怅自语：“唉，转眼就50岁了！”我正准备安慰她，只听她悠悠地说了后半句：“人生的1/3就这么过去了。”
就在刚才，一个房间冲出一个慌乱的女人接电话在走道中说：“喂，老公，我在家乐福呢”就在这时，走道上响起了清洁阿姨那清脆而明亮的声音：“总台、总台，813房间退房！！！”
这个暑假听到的最离奇的话就是“柯震东才23岁，还是个孩子；黄多多已经8岁了，不是小孩了”
一部正版日本AV在当地差不多卖到2900日元，折合成人民币约230元左右，一个中国网友下载100部岛国爱齤情动作片就相当于打劫日本2.3万元，如果8000万党员带头下载，仅此一项就相当于掠夺日本两千玖百亿美元！爱国，有时候就这么简单
看到一个这样的对白:
女：那个男的老是纠缠我，我都已经那么明确的拒绝他了，好烦人。
男：你可以在他面前卸了妆之后再试试！
顿时觉得这个主意好经典
有比女朋友漏气更苦逼的事吗？神回复：有，男朋友漏电，那才真是苦了逼了。
上次同学聚会说要打麻将，我不会，于是学霸同学跟我说了一个牛逼的公式 ：n*AAA+m*ABC+DD就胡了，mn可以等于0， 尼玛我一分钟就学会了麻将。
王小明英语成绩不好，很苦闷的问老师：“老师，我们为何要学英语”
老师：“英语是世界通用语言，你学会了英语出国才能没有交流障碍啊！”
小明：“可我家里没钱啊，这辈子估计都出不了国……”
老师：“中国现在国际影响力越来越大，很多外国人也会来中国，你会英语不就可以和他们交流了吗？”
小明：“先不说他们外国人能有多少来中国，且说他们来中国可不就是要做好语言不通的心理准备嘛，我们还得巴巴的学好英文等他们旅游来中国不会交流障碍……我们这学法也太贱了吧？？？”
老师：“… … … 王小明！外头站着去！！！”
老婆和闺密出去逛街，问我要钱，我坐在沙发上，翘这二郎腿抽着烟问：“20行吗？” 老婆想了想，温柔的点点头，我从钱包里掏出20，然后把钱包递给了媳妇。。
土豪乘飞机，见空姐漂亮，想搭讪，拿出5S说：这是最新款的土豪金。
不想，空姐拿拿出iphone3说：这是你大爷。
土豪顿时傻了眼;坐在左边的大哥默默地拿出4s轻轻说：这是你二大爷；右边的又悄悄拿出iphone5说：这是你爸。后座的拿出个5C说：这是你妹。
前坐的陕西人默默拿出一个苹果，咬了一口，低调的说：这是你先人！......
“何谓王道？”“对手不乖，便从他身上碾过。”“何谓霸道？”“乖的，也碾过。”“……何谓孔孟之道？”“碾之前先跟他说一声。”“何谓天道？”“任何时候，想碾谁就碾
今天上厕所，发现自己没纸了，想起室友床头有纸，就去拿，谁知道那个二货忽然吼了一嗓子:你敢动我飞机票！！！！我:。。。。
和同事出差住宾馆，累了一天回来手机电也用完了。 放个热水准备洗澡，先给手机充电，宾馆插座口有点少，就把放到同事床头的插座拿过说了句：一起充呗？ 这货来了句：一起冲？不太好吧，肥皂掉了谁捡？ 你妹的，想什么呢。。。。
某大学实行恋爱实名登记，同学们都挺配合。
已经登记了两百多人，其中仅女生就有四十多人。
昨晚睡觉，梦到一位大师说可以画出一个人的另一半，
很多人试了都说准，于是我也上前试试。
大师就是大师，画美女都是先从手开始画的……
大师，你倒是接着画啊，只画一只手是毛意思……
经常说你傻的人，不会嫌弃你傻，经常说你笨的人，不会在意你笨，经常说你丑的人不会介意你丑，经常说你胖的人……草泥马！削他，往死里削，马勒戈壁臭不要脸的！吃你家大米了？
在学校宿舍楼里半夜12点，夜深人静，四楼某N……人士突然传出一声大吼：我家住在黄土高坡 ~~ 全楼无语中。。。 然后三楼某窗口悠悠的飘出一句：你爸是你妈表哥 ~~~ 全楼沸腾了
去买驴肉卷饼，我对老板说：“给我卷个，不要葱，给我多放点肉，放，放，再放，再放……”
老板抬头看着我，幽幽地说：“年轻人我给你卷头驴吧?”
旁边的妹子大笑。
年初的时候，小区旁边新开了家纹身馆，我图新鲜就想去在手腕上纹个条形码。我去的时候没带图让小师傅帮找找，一会儿他就拿出来个小硬纸片儿，上面就是条形码，我一看高兴，就让他纹了，下面的数字写的是我比较重要的日子和姓名简写。 半年多过去了，周围的朋友都说纹的好看，我觉得的确技术是不错。 今儿去楼下的7-11买东西，收款的小姑娘和我挺熟儿的，爱开玩笑，看见我的条形码纹身，就趁我不注意快速的拿扫码器扫了一下。 “滴”，小屏幕上多了个项目。 durex挚爱12只装。 纹身师，你大爷
我准备七夕租俩小孩，走在路上，遇见男的喊爸，遇见女的喊妈，能拆散一对是一对，反正我不过七夕。
今天女友问我：什么是麻辣烫事件？
我说：一男的请女的吃了六块钱的麻辣烫，搞了她13次。
女友娇嗔道：晚上我要吃六十块的麻辣烫！
“师太！识相点儿，剑谱到底在哪儿？”
“你以为贫尼是贪生怕死之徒？”
“老三！去吧庵里的黄瓜架给拆了！”
“且慢！这是剑谱，看好了我这可是正版的！”
室友：“老大你老实说你是不是gay？”我：“次奥当然不是老子直的！”室友：“那你昨晚为什么在厕所一边呻吟一边喊我的名字？”我：“老子昨晚便秘，想叫你帮我拿一下开塞露，你tm的听到了为什么不鸟我！！？？”
我跟姐姐吵架，吵完给老妈打电话：“妈，你当初生一个就好了，为啥又生了我，她又欺负我！”扒拉扒拉一顿诉苦，然后老妈幽幽得来了一句：“本来就打算生来给她玩的。。。玩的。。。”
“你这些照片谁给你拍的？”“闺蜜啊。”“技术不咋地啊？”“切，技术不行能把我所有好看的角度都躲过去？”
“考拉是一种很懒的动物，它一天到晚都抱着树干，，，，，，”
挺勤快的啊 你们觉得呢？
我觉得买不买iPhone6根本不重要 过开心简单的日子就好啊！人不要活的太虚荣。
(来自iPhone 6 128G 镶钻防弹版土豪金 VIP卫星定制豪华版腾讯客户端） 1分钟前 • 迪拜
今天搭公交车，上车看到一个小伙子左脚裹着石膏，过了一站上来好几个老人，小伙子立马站起来，大爷这给你坐，你不要打我！
今天儿子问我：爸爸，什么是正能量？什么又是负能量呢？我对他说：比如，现在天天都在报道又抓了多少贪官！查处了多少大案要案！这就是传播正能量！假如你傻乎乎的去问问.为什么会产生这么多的贪官污吏？这就是负能量！
小时候去表哥家里遇见他在打飞机，我问他在做什么，他说他在练武术，我永远忘不了小学三年级元旦晚会班主任说谁会武术我走了上去……
今天看见一少妇带着萌宝逛商店，看见我买了蒙牛酸酸乳便要买，少妇拒绝，说回家吃妈妈的。 高潮来了，小宝宝说，妈妈的不好吃，然后突然朝着我说，叔叔咱们两个换着吃好不？ 我当时只想说，好孩子，还想吃啥，叔叔给你买……
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
