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在家发现老婆的一瓶过期的爽肤水。就想教教老婆如何废物利用。
百度一下，一个答案蹦入眼帘“给老公用”………
老公，我在**上找了个裙裙，特别好看，就是有点贵，你帮我付钱好不好，可难找了，你快回来吧，我怕一会我就找不到了」，「哦，先保存」，「怎么保存呀」，「ALT+F4」
以前我在计算机系我们班有4个妹子 你造么 她们曾经打电话给我说在学校住校的时候买的网线在学校就能用放假回家了带回去不能用了.....
丈母娘考验仨女婿。先邀大女婿散步,过桥时突然跳下，大女婿跳水救起，丈母娘赠他大
众Santana一辆。丈母娘又如法炮制，考验二女婿，也被救，受伤的二女婿也获赠辆大众
Santana。她再试三女婿，三女婿不会游泳搭救不及，丈母娘溺水而亡。翌日,岳父赠他
一辆奔驰!
前不久，老婆的表妹离了婚，单身一人经常到我家蹭饭。最近，老婆和我爱爱时特别卖力，每次都把我折腾得精疲力尽。
老婆：老公，你是否经常回忆起以前的美好时光？
老公：嗯，是啊...
老婆：那你最怀念什么呢？？？
老公：认识你之前的时候...
楼主，卒。。。。。。
两只母鸡在聊天，对面过来一只无精打采的公鸡，母鸡：咋拉?公鸡：做买卖给累的!母鸡：啥买卖累成这样?公鸡红着脸低头说：卖点鸡精!!!
生理课上，老师宣布说这堂课我们讲生殖系统．老师挂出男性身体结构图，女同学都低下了头．老师说：“同学们，不要怕！真的没有这么大．”
接着又挂出女性身体结构图，男同学都忍不住的笑了起来，老师说：“同学们，不要笑，真的比这还奇妙！”
今天一位动物学家来学校讲座。当问到他怎么只有一条腿时他说："当年我为了证实鱼的记忆只有7秒。就用棍子敲一条大鱼的头，但并没逃远，我猜它7秒后就忘了，可它并没有，而且还攻击了我的左腿。" "所以，您为科学付出了沉重的代价，证明有些鱼并不是只有7秒记忆？" "不是，我证明了鳄鱼不是鱼。"
病人：“大夫，你给我说实话，我是不是活不了几天了？” 医生：“谁说的？你不要胡思乱想。” 病人：“你别骗我，我都知道了，昨天主治医生来查房的时侯，我在看报纸，他莫名其妙的对我说：‘哟，还在看连载啊！’”
"我每天都会跟着电视学英语，可为什么还是说不顺溜呢？”“跟着电视？你说两句我听听。”“窝噎庸敷烟借，兮兮跟兼抗。”“……滚！”
早上上班，看见女同事脸上有伤，问她咋弄的。
她说昨晚和老公打架了。
我说：你不是说你老公昨天出差了吗？
同事忧伤的说：他昨晚半夜突然回来了
昨天吃过午饭，闲着没事，就和一同事想着到工地附近山沟去弄点樱桃尝鲜。跑了一个小时、两条山沟，功夫不负有心人，终于找到半片樱桃园、没人照看，一人一棵上树猛吃，吃到正嗨时，突闻树下有动静，一老农正朝我这边树下走来，顿时脸红心跳手心出汗，这可如何是好，急中生智、掏出手机拨了在那边吃的正欢的同事号码，顿时“终于你做了别人的小三...”的铃声响彻整个樱桃园，只见老农破口大骂立即向那棵樱桃树奔去，我赶紧又挑了一枝好的折断跳下树就跑了。我真是太他玛机智了！哈哈...
今天去医院吊水，一实习漂亮小护士由于紧张，给我扎了好几针都没扎好，要不是看她漂亮我早就发飙了，但心想你快点好吧，实在是太痛了。此时护士长过来了看了情况后，接过针一针就扎好了，当时我心里那个感激她啊，可只见护士长以掩耳之势迅速拔出针头交给小护士，说：看懂了吗？再来一次！ 天哪！还有没有人管了？？？？
一哥们嫖娼被抓，罚款五千，拘留十五天，警察通知妻子来交罚款。
妻见面给了一个耳光问：“家里有不”
答曰：“有”
妻接着一耳光又问：“要时给不”
答曰：“给”
妻接着又一耳光再问：“各种姿势能满足你不”
答曰：“能”
妻接着又是一耳光继续问：“收过你钱没”
答曰：“没有”
啪啪啪啪连续大耳光……
边上的警察看的浑身哆嗦，心想：这娘们教育的比我们深刻多了！
把A、B、O、AB四种血型替换成青龙白虎朱雀玄武四大血统，说出去是不是就帅多了？再结合二十八星宿以及属相，简直酷炫到没朋友。“你好我是金猴心月狐，我的血统是青龙，没办法给白虎血统的人输血，我有个玄武血统的朋友，他应该可以！”是不是有种特二笔的感觉？
昨天晚上和一位有军方背景的朋友聊天，据说对越战争迟早都要打，早打比晚打好，这是国际大环境和亚洲小环境所决定的！打掉越南，不仅可以震慑菲律宾，对钓鱼岛争议也有辐射意义，这个战争不是以我们意志为转移的，虽然我们爱好和平，但我们不畏惧战争！！
现在的问题是：
一、战场是选在横店呢还是象山影视城？
二、攻坚的任务到底交给八一制片厂还是华谊兄弟呢？
三、导演选冯小刚还是张艺谋？
四、还用不用海波？？
曾经，在北京陪一瑞典客户到地铁站附近经过，正赶上人流高峰期时段，老外惊叫，天哪，;今天是什么节日？“什么节日都不是”那今天有什么活动，或者是足球比赛吗？“没有” 那.....这里究竟发生什么了？“就是下班”。。。而已。。。
妹的，大清早的楼上打孩子，哭天喊地跟杀猪似的。 咋回事哦，揉揉惺忪的睡眼，抱着阻止家暴的心态，敲响了楼上的房门打听了一下。 这家孩子9岁，早上去买早点顺便遛狗，狗不听话，孩子比较生气，恰好遇到骑三轮车收狗的，于是以30元的价格，把这狗给卖了…… 当年买的时候是900。
实验室来了个漂亮的小师妹，我搭讪问：“贵姓？”
师妹说；“免贵，姓潘。”我高兴地说：“太好了，
我们八百年前是一家啊，我姓武！”
然后，小师妹低头红脸走了，估计深度内伤了。
前两天跟一女性朋友逛街，天气那个热阿！她就拉这衣领往胸部吹风，我就顺着往她胸部看呗！她突然问我：“看的可爽？”我只是说了句：“顺着领口，我看到你腰带了。”然后，现在还是一只手吊着绷带，一只手打字！
唉，两个女孩都很好。一个身高158萌得很。一个165也非常好看。我该如何在她们之间选择？一阵心烦意乱之后，我把她们都加入了我的购物车。太喜欢了，这个月省着花钱吧。
看见公园的老榕树上用刀刻着的那句熟悉的“永不分开”，我转向妻子：“老婆，你还记得这吗？” 妻子面带微笑：“当然记得，当年你刻下的。” 我难抑心中甜蜜：“这么多年啦，我们果真没有分开。” 妻子低下头，思绪仿佛也回到了多年前：“是啊，当时知道你连出门约会都带着刀，谁TM敢提分啊？”
今天去女朋友家，心里异常紧张。晚上吃饭的时候，未来岳父多喝了两杯，就跟我说：小李啊，我看你这人很有自信，胸怀宽广，想必以后必成大器，女儿交给你我也就放心了。听得我那个高兴，忙问这您也看出来？他回答道：瞧你长得这怂样，也敢泡我女儿，说明你这人不简单。我去……
朋友问我：“你们男的看女生第一眼是先看胸还是先看腿？”我看向她说：“我通常先看眼睛。”然后我慢悠悠地又接了一句：“如果她没有发现我在看她的话，就接着看胸”
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
