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因为等到残奥闭幕的时候，泳池里都该是60%的口水了！
——Captain0bvious
我的妻子双目失明，最近，她开始梦游。
狗好可怜，都快被累死了……
——Rocket11
残奥会盲人足球赛刚才做了官方声明，宣布他们将不会起用视力不好或失明的裁判执法。
得知这一消息后，英超一众裁判纷纷痛心疾首。
——cooksbroth（原文点名的是霍华德·韦伯和菲尔·多德两名裁判）
以离婚的形式结束了我那长达十年的婚姻生活之后，我重新开始约会，很快就重新用上了那些久未经使用、自己几乎都忘了自己有的那几块肌肉。
主要是用来笑。
——drof
今天，我六点起床、练瑜伽、喝一瓶蛋白粉饮料、跑上10公里，然后开始不说一句真话。
——RedHead
//或许，这就是人生
人们看见我抓住蝴蝶然后拔掉它们的翅膀时不是皱眉就是厌恶，但我并不在乎他人的目光。
相反，我的内心充满宁静，因为我知道，自己正阻止着地球另一头那一场又一场的飓风。
——Biscuit777
残奥会开始了，我特期待足球赛。
不幸的是，咱大不列颠代表队抽到的是聋人组……
——cvrock
//当然残疾组别不是抽签的，纯粹只是婊英国足球也只能踢踢脑瘫盲人断腿才有可能赢而已
我和我女友在一起已经十多年了，所以当我求婚的时候她爹十分意外。
他完全不知道我原来是Gay。
——Biscuit777
我给性感的前女友打电话，她反应很激烈：“你可以不要再骚扰我了吗？！法院都已经发了禁止令不许你接近我50公尺以内了好吧！”
“这个我知道，我就是问问你有空想不想一起玩扔飞盘啊。”
——TheRizzler
啊，太好了，正好你坐着，”我看到女友，紧张地说，“我、我有非常重要的事要问你。”
我单膝跪下，正准备要问出那个问题的时候，她却打断了我……
“这真的很感人，Dave，”她的脸上完全没有喜悦之情，“可你能让老娘先拉完屎么？”
——Rocket11
我觉得很有意思的一点是，不同的口音往往会让你联想到不同的事情。
比如说，听到澳大利亚口音，我就会想到体育运动。
听到意大利口音，我就会想到美食。
而当我听到印度口音的时候，我就会想，妈的又要让我拿着电话等半天了……
——aunty_christ
//印度客服
==================================
我在的小村里几乎家家户户都全员出动寻找一名失踪的小女孩，我心想或许应该去安慰一下女孩的家长，于是就去了。
“别担心，”我说，“我想我们一定很快就能发现她的。”
“哦，”她母亲哭着说，“您真的这么觉得吗？”
“当然，”我说，“农夫们这星期就要开始耕地了嘛。”
——Fubar
关于我，有两个有趣的事实：
1、我的JB有两支邮局柜台的-圆珠笔放一起那么长
2、警察不让我进邮局
——tibsy（小修改，原文是Argos超市）
我向老板请假：“下周五我要去参加我女友的葬礼。”
“你没骗人吧？”他问，“今年这都是第三次‘女友葬礼’了嗯？”
“哎，我也知道，”我说，“谁叫我就是喜欢那些个哥特啊颓废啊非主流的妞儿呢……”
——JulesClairon（原文emo这个词在中文里还是不太流行）
我在外度假，这天正在海滩边漫步，却看到前方有个小孩子在哭。
“怎么了，小妹妹？”我上前问道。
“呜呜呜，他们、他们都说我搭的沙子城堡丑死了。”
我低头看了看她的沙堡，确实搭的不怎么样，但我还是对自己说，这种情况下面，一两句善意的谎言才是正确的做法，于是我就说……
“和叔叔一起到宾馆去吧，叔叔有冰淇淋给你吃哦。”
——Carlin
今早老板打电话给我，一开口就是怒吼：“你他妈人在哪儿呢！应该8点钟上班的，你看看现在都8点半了！”
“别这么急啊，我在自己办公室坐着呢。”
“少他妈装！”又是惊雷般的怒吼，“我就站在你办公室里！”
于是我说：“哦哦不好意思啊，都忘了告诉你我有新工作了呢。”
——irbaboon
上次在酒吧稍微多喝了两杯，当时就觉得快要吐了，我赶紧跑到厕所一瞧，隔间已经被占了，那是吐尿兜还是洗手盆呢，最后我还是选了洗手盆。
呕吐物从我的口鼻喷涌而出，我干呕出的除了啤酒还有烧烤和天知道之前还吃了什么东西，我双手死扣着洗手盆的边缘，泪水从眼中眼角泉涌而下，又咳出了一大堆因长年抽烟而积起的浓痰。
这时隔间里的那家伙出来了，他边系皮带边扫了一眼我眼前这一堆六小时狂饮暴食的产物从洗手盆里一直延续到台子边上和地面上，他嘟囔了句：“还想在里面洗手的呢，看来还是免了！”
我抬起头，掺杂着血色的呕吐物从我的嘴边流到下巴又流到我的衣服上，我用充满血丝又被泪水模糊的双眼看着他，好不容易说出一句：“你……你竟然不洗手？怎、怎么有你这么恶心的人！”
——duckmaster
我爱人常说，恰恰是那些竟然能够做得出谋杀无辜儿童这样的事的人，才是最需要帮助的。
那么，我确实是有辆面包车和多出来的麻袋……
——drof
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
