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-A bre doktore pomagaj, boli me stomak.
-Kakvi su simptomi? -pita doktor
-Simptomi su super. Najvise volim Homera i Barta
Došao novi general na dužnost u tvrđavu Legije stranaca u pustinji. Krenuo on tako prvi dan u obilazak tvrđave, i dok je obilazio, ugleda mazgu zavezanu za stub. Upita prvog stražara čemu služi ta mazga.
Gospodine generale, mazga služi za zabavu vojnika. Znate, dugo smo bez žena...
Pa onda joj sredite to mesto. Napravite nadstrešnicu i tako... - reče general i ode dalje.
Posle mesec dana general nije mogao da izdrži i reši da se i on malo pozabavi mazgom. Naredi stražaru da je drži, a on obavi posao. Dok se oblačio, onako zadovoljan upita stražara:
Reci mi da li i vi obični vojnici radite ovako kao mi generali?
Gospodine generale, obični vojnici obično zajašu mazgu i odjašu do najbližeg naselja s javnom kućom.
Sedi devojka u invalidskim kolicima u
kafiću i prilazi joj dečko kome se
svidela.
Nakon upoznavanja, dogovore se da
sutra odu u park. Dok je gurao kroz
park, pričali su kako bi mogli da vode ljubav! Ona mu predloži:
- Hajmo do onog drveta, ti me podigni
da se uhvatim za granu, a ti uradi šta
treba!
On je poslušao…
Kada su završili, on je vrati u kolica i odvede je kući. Kad iz kuće istrčava
njena majka, i počinje da grli dečka!
- Hvala ti sine što si je vratio kući!
- Pa naravno da ću je vratiti !
A majka će:
- Ima sine mangupa! Jebu i ostave, po tri dana visi na drvetu
За време рата изашао Мујо из рова и упутио се ка шуми.
После неког времена шетње по шуми Мујо наиђе на десет четника и питају га они:
-Како је брате? Шта се ради?
Каже Мујо:
-Ево није лоше браћо, ја мало изашао да нацепкам дрва па да се вратим у ров да се грејем.
Четници:
-А јел' знаш ти ко смо ми?
Мујо:
-Уз Алахову помоћ - скривена камера!
Dvanaest svećeničkih kandidata je na posljednjoj probi:
Još samo treba da dokažu da ih seks uopće ne zanima.
Proba se sastoji u tome, da ih poredaju gole, i svakome vežu zvončić na spravu.
Zatim se pojavi predivna djevojka, potpuno gola, i zapleše pred njima zanosni ples.
Podrazumjeva se da prolazi samo onaj kome zvono ostane tiho.
Jedanaest zvončića je ostalo mirno, dok je dvanaesti zvonio i zvonio bez prestanka.
Od silne zvonjave zvončić se odveže i padne na pod.
Osramoćeni kandidat u očaju i panici sagne se da ga podigne.
I tada zazvoni preostalih jedanaest zvončića
Ostisao Mujo na posao, a Fata iskoristi priliku, pa pozove shvalera da dodje kod nje ! Medjutim, Mujo bese zaboravio neka dokumenta, pa se vratio kuci da ih uzme. I, bas kad je usao u kucu, zatekao je Fatu i ljubavnika kako su tek krenuli da se svlace. Sav iznerviran krene da grmi: - Mars u cosak oboje ! I skinite se do kraja ! - Nemoj, Mujo, Boga ti - moli ga Fata ! - Cuti tu i skidaj se ! I skinu se ! - Odlicno, a sad se iserite ! - Pa, bolan, Mujo, nemoj ! - place Fata ! - Ma, cuti i radi ko sto sam reko ! I urade... - Odlicno, a sad jedite to ! Fata se, sva u suzama, okrece svaleru i kaze : - Dragi, ne brini se, prebrodicemo mi ovo, ja te volim ! A svaler ce: -Ma volis ti mene moj kurac, da me volis ne bi se toliko nasrala !
Na početku čovečanstva, kada je čovek tek bio stvoren, vitalni organi su počeli
raspravljati ko je sef među njima.
MOZAK: Ja moram biti šef, mislim i
naređujem kako da funkcionišete.
OČI: Mi treba da budemo gazde -
vodimo telo kuda treba ići.
SRCE: Ja treba da šefujem - svima dajem krv za
funkcionisanje.
STOMAK: Ja ću biti šef budući da vas sve prehranjujem.
NOGE: Mi treba da smo šef jer nosimo
celo telo.
I tako, svi su bili uvereni da baš noge treba da
šefuju. Ali tada je govno progovorilo:
- Ja cu biti šef sviđalo vam se to ili ne.
Svi su se smejali! Ono odluči da ne izađe 5 dana. Telo se loše osećalo, stomak se pretrgao od muke, oči se zamaglile, srce u agoniji, noge drhte. I povikše tada zajedno:
"Neka govno bude šef!"
I od tada svako
govno može biti ŠEF...
Stoji zenska u autu na semaforu i kraj nje stoji mujo sa svojim autom.Gledaju se oni
medjusobno , pa Mujo pocne spustati prozor.Riba sva sarecna pa pocne i ona spustati prozor
misleci da ce joj Muja nesto reci...a Mujo ce:
Sta je , i ti prdnula?
Uhvatio narkoman zlatnu ribicu. Ribica mu
kaže: Ako me pustiš ispuniću ti 3 želje.
Narkoman: Da Amerikanci pređu u Rusiju.
Ribica: Prva želja ispunjena.
Narkoman: Da Rusi pređu u Ameriku.
Ribica: Druga želja ispunjena.
Narkoman: E sad sve da vratiš kao pre!
Ribica:Treća zelja ispunjena. I koja je fora
sad?
Narkoman: Ništa, ludilo brateeee!
Pao Mujo sa sedmog sprata i razbio se.
Ustaje on polako a narod se okupio oko njega.
Nailazi Haso i pita ga :
Mujo sta je bilo ,zasto se ovaj narod okupio.
Nemam pojma i ja tek sad stig'o.
Nastavak u sledecem broju
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
