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2.就今天，小姨和姨夫突然造访，我窝在被窝里很老妈说:妈，把门带上，我要穿衣服起来了！走到门口的老妈回来问:你起来干嘛？我:起来吃饭哪！老妈:不许起来，继续睡！饭不够……够……够……！是亲生的吗？
3、同学来京坐火车，路上碰到查身份证的，查到一吃着槟榔的湖南老人时，警：你来北京干什么老人：看老乡
警:你老乡在哪工作？
老人：老乡在天安门上挂着呢，
4、想起初中时二货同桌的事…不割。那货有天估计是闲的D疼，准备在班里找个女朋友。于是他拿出花名册，划掉前32个男的，又在女生里排除掉不熟的和得罪过的。折腾一番最终剩下两个女生，他挑兵挑将挑出来一个，下课端直去表白，结果成功了…我到现在都没想通这是为毛。
5、第一次和女友上门，见到她家七岁的小侄子，给了一大红包，他妈说，还不谢谢叔叔。这小子脱口而出谢谢姑父!他妈把他拖到一边小声说，怎么能叫姑父?那小子不服气地嘟囔着：人家给钱了.......
6、一朋友女神级，眼光超高，现大龄单身，今天看其发表说说：朋友家的孩子都能上"爸爸去哪儿＂了，我还在想孩子的＂爸爸去哪儿＂了，
7、一个同学前两天去剪头发……没东西能割……男理发师看着她问道：你有没有男朋友？
我同学愣住了，害羞的说：没有……
理发师一脸放松的说：那我就随便给你剪了…随便剪…随便…剪…
8、这几天双蛋节，情侣气氛很浓郁让我想起以前的事。我和一个妹子很暧昧，进展的不错。然后我就问她：“如果我亲你会怎样？”她笑着说，“你亲下就知道了。”我大喜，立马凑上去准备亲，结果一巴掌就飞过来了外加一句：“你还真敢亲？！”遂LZ至今都没有女朋友，这妹子给我心灵带来的伤害大概永远都不会被抹灭了。
9、下午巡视车间，见一少年独自看机，遂问之，你师傅呢，少年转头，眼神从恍惚转为镇定，道，被妖怪抓走了。。。。沃勒个槽
10、第一次带男朋友回家，在饭桌上男朋友和爸妈把我夸得各种好，等男朋友走了，我爸兴高采烈的说，等过阵子他就知道神马是飞来的横祸。。。亲爸啊。。。
11、我家小萝莉出去卖报纸…………在街上扯一大叔的裤子“叔叔，买报纸不”一副要哭的表情，那大叔买了……我以为她要转移了……结果，“叔叔，再买一份吧”……大叔又掏钱……“叔叔，再买一份吧”…………………………
有女生叫我介绍男生给她，要求是有房、身高175cm以上、相貌耐看；
我去问符合该条件的男生，他说他对女生的要求是身高168cm以上，样子甜美很会做家务会赚钱；
我又去找了符合他条件的女生，结果这女生要求男方要有房、有车、有公司，身高186cm以上。
你们感受一下……
有人问我，分手了这么久还记得你的前任吗？怎么说呢？记得显得太花心；不记得，显得太薄情，其实我觉得，那个人就好比我走路撞上了一个电线杆，很痛，以后我走路都会绕着电线杆走，可能很久以后，我都不记得撞得有多痛了，可是，那个电线杆，永远都在。
吊丝的命运是：碰到美女连话也不敢说，心中想的是，算了吧，人家怎么能看上我。
另一方面，晚上一个人躺床上，捶胸挫足的恨道：“卧槽，劳资长这么帅怎么会没女朋友”。
男：“如果缺钱了就告诉我。”
女：“好的，爱你。”
男：“我经常缺钱，可以教你怎么过缺钱的日子。”
女：“滚。”
“公主病的成因没别的，不是丑就是穷。”
“那有钱又漂亮脾气却不好的呢？”
“那种本来就是公主，不叫病。”
包公对展昭说：“今天过节，你唱首歌给我听吧。”
展昭说：“好的大人，我为你演唱一首《好汉歌》吧。”
包公高兴地点了点头。
展昭唱道：“黑呀，咦黑呀，哎黑哎黑咦黑呀！”
听单田芳讲的《西游记》，有一段说：别看唐僧这一路西天取经各种吃苦受罪，澡可没少洗。
不管哪个妖怪都挺讲卫生，吃之前至少得洗个十遍八遍的，里里外外把他涮得干干净净，每次眼看要上锅蒸了，叫孙猴子给救走了。
敢情猴子是故意的啊，体贴师傅赶路辛苦，隔三差五让妖精给他免费搓澡……
金庸小说里总有一个风度翩翩、气质俊朗、武功超群的表哥。但金庸最后总要把这位表哥描写得卑鄙、负心薄幸、竹篮打水一场空。
比如天龙八部里的慕容复、连城诀里的汪啸风、倚天屠龙记里的卫璧。
一直不知道金庸为啥对表哥有这么大的阴影。
今天才听人说，金庸的表哥，是徐志摩…
玉帝问嫦娥：你说日久会生情吗？
嫦娥说：启禀陛下，这得分多久了。
玉帝又问：玉兔跟你这么久了，你爱它吗？
嫦娥答道：我爱它的胡萝卜。。。
白娘子为救其夫许仙，在金山寺大战法海，作法引发大水，水漫金山寺。
法海以袈裟化为长堤拦水，守卫了金山寺。
附近群众对法海十分感激，送来锦旗一面，上书四个大字：金山卫士
小明新领了驾照在路上行驶被Pol.ice拦下，Pol.ice说他违章了要罚款。
明说:"我师父当初就这么教得”。
Pol.ice说：“我师父说这么开就得罚款”。
小明说：“还是你师父厉害”。
有一次，和朋友约好了一起出去玩。我到了约定的地方，朋友没到，我也没带手机，于是我就找了一个报亭打公用电话，打完电话后，我问：“多少钱”
报亭老板看了看那个电话：“打了一分钟，3毛钱”
我顺手拿了一张一百的递过去，报亭老板看了看钱来了句：“你打个电话3毛钱，拿个一百的吓唬我啊？”
化学课上，老师讲到了人造纤维：人造纤维有很多种，比如我们日常见到的胸罩、丝光袜，就是人造纤维尼龙材质的，那么你们知道，是什么东西使尼龙丝富有弹性吗？
学生大声回答：“美胸 !”
新学期开学，物理老师面带微笑走上讲台。娓娓道来：
本人李建（贱）民，唐朝皇帝李世民大家都知道吧？我与他素不相识，他能当皇帝，而我却不能，可谓差之毫厘，失之千里！惭愧！
李世民血溅玄武门，杀了自己的亲兄弟，一点情理也不讲。他不讲情理，我也不讲情理，我讲《物理》……
今天讲《物理》现象，猪八戒照镜子——里外不是人，镜子的成像原理……
甲：我已经开了三家银行。
乙：哪三家银行？
甲：网上银行，电话银行，手机银行。
儿子去相亲回来马上上床睡觉。妈妈说：“你被她打击啦！”
儿子说：“没有，我是听她的话，完成她布置的任务。”
妈妈说：“女孩跟你说了什么？”
儿子说：“我跟她说嫁给我，她说你做梦去吧。回家了，我就抓紧时间睡觉做梦去。”
做作业的儿子问爸爸：“狼吞虎咽是什么意思？”
爸爸说：“我带你去动物园看就清楚了。”
儿子说：“我们马上就去，百闻不如一见。”
爸爸说：“快吃午饭时去。”
妈妈说：“等一会儿看你的爸爸吃中午饭就理解了。”
儿子说：“妈妈，爸爸究竟象狼吞还是象虎咽？
老板：今天好好加班，把工作给完成了。
下属：又是加班，什么时候能换个词？
老板：换什么词？
下属：加薪
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
