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我掏出手机说：“师傅您看，我这手机屏幕这两天抖得厉害，能修吗？”
师傅看了看手机，又看了看我说：“尼玛天冷了你就不能多穿点衣服？！”
一天在地铁上，看见一男的想和一美女搭讪。
男：“美女，你长得好漂亮啊！”
女：“恩，谢谢。”
男：“美女，你是做什么的？”
此女淡定地回答：“我坐地铁的！”
我们学校的周围全是小区，那天正上课，我们班有一个女生突然说，哇！！！好香啊，谁家在做回锅肉，
她后座的一个男声说，不好意思，刚刚我打了个嗝……
一日，大师问一熊孩子：你梦中情人是什么样的？
熊孩子曰：你是问以前还是现在？
大师曰：以前。
熊孩子曰：皮肤白皙，知性，善交际，套穿白色长裙，披肩长发，大波浪。
大师曰：那现在呢。
熊孩子曰：皮肤白皙，知性善交，忌套，穿白色长裙，披肩长发，大波，浪。
一位肥硕的老友信誓旦旦地跟我们说：减肥，是我毕生追求的事业！！！
立刻有人提醒道这话有问题吧！
“有什么问题？”
“少了一个字啊。”
“什么字？？”
“皂。”
我是一农民，偶遇大师便问：何时才能拥有汽车、美女、洋房？
大师沉默后，跺了跺脚。
我恍然大悟，便问：大师，您的意思是只要脚踏实地，勤勤恳恳，幸福美好的生活就会到来？
大师：唉…你还是继续种你的地吧。。。
神父：“你愿意吗？”
男：“不。”
神父：“哦，那你愿意吗？”
女：“不愿意。”
神父：“好！负负得正！我宣布两人正式成为夫妻！！”
有一男子，喜欢女孩，然而婚后生了几胎，都是男孩。
男子只好去问大师怎么回事，大师掐指一算，叹道：“你上辈子死得早，情人到现在还没死呢。”
青年忧心忡忡问大师：“大师，大气污染、全球变暖、地震、海啸等自然灾害不断，人类将何去何从？”
大师拿出一个生鸭蛋一个咸鸭蛋，将蛋砸在青年头上。问青年：“哪个比较疼？”
青年答：“咸的蛋疼！”
大师道：“闲的蛋疼就找点事做去！”
“别人不过夸了一句你儿子长的像个明星，你为什么要对他大打出手呢？”
“他说我儿子像陈冠西！”谢停锋愤怒的吼道。
听闻小朋友掉入水缸，司马光急忙去找石头，结果——郭涛说：“他还没有起床！”
“哎，原来还有向韩国人下跪这一招啊……”汪峰双手揪着头发抓狂道。
又一次，孔先生和他的妻子吵的不可开交，就在二人都被对方气的说不出来话的时候。。。
他们年幼的儿子走了进来，打量了两人一番后说道：“能过过，不能过就赶紧离了吧，好吗？”
这就是著名的孔融让离的故事。
鲁豫的巨头，杨幂的脚，郭敬明的身材有点小；闰土的钢叉，小猪的妈，何润东的微博八点二十发；姚晨的大嘴，李晨的石，王力宏的取向特别直；黄贯中的老爹，海涛的跪，汪峰在头条里没有停车位。
1、语文老师在讲课：“有些人死了，但他们的精神还活着，有些人活着……”，说到这里，她突然揪起我的耳朵，“却TM睡着了！”
2、“会做饭的男生真的能加分吗？肌肉男能加分吗？说话温柔的呢？有幽默感的呢？”
“滚！”老师一把将卷子甩到我脸上。
3、学渣《白头吟》 愿得一学霸，白首不相离。带我上自习，一日刷千题。复习四六级，给我押考题。考场坐我旁，助我脱倒一。他考九十八，我考九十七。年年好丽友，代代不分离！
4、我有个男同学，个子不高，长的又黑，学的还是环境工程，于是我给他起了个外号——低碳！
5、我发了条微薄：“在学校上wife真爽”。
同学语重心长地l回复我：“学好英语很重要”。
紧接着还有个更雷的回复：高帅富的境界你们这种吊丝怎会了解，好好上你的wifi吧。
5、学长骑自行车载一学妹回家，到了家学妹下车羞涩地说：“学长，以后你车的后座能只属于我么？”
说完脸红的低下了头，学长顿时愣了下，随即笑了，说：“没问题，我今晚回家拆给你…”
6、驾校学开车，一美女正在练车，轮到别人了，还不下车。
一吊丝上前道：“美女，还不让我们上啊？”
美女把脸扭过来道
“急什么急？早晚都让你们上！”
1、小明跟小红表白后因为小鹿乱撞被踩踏致死。
2、别看我只是一只羊，孜然会让我变得更香。
3、嫦娥下凡玩耍时，痛经难忍，就去看当地的名医。
大夫问了诊，面色凝重地说：“你这是神经病，没得治。”
4、西天取经路上，唐僧对哪个女妖精有感觉？
只有他胯下的白龙马知道。
5、千万不要和风打架，就算你武功高，风没伤到你，你伤风了，也会感冒。
6、“你为什么会喜欢人渣？”“这种比较不塞牙吧。”食人族酋长说。
7、桃园结义之前，张飞和关羽正巧在同一个地方学写毛笔字，写完一看，自己很不满意，不由得对旁边的关羽说：我字好丑，你呢？
关羽放下手中的毛笔，两手抱拳对张飞说到：好丑你好，我字云长。
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
