Article
妈逼的这年头怎么女人也可以当夜店保安了啊！
——Chancemyarm
一个黑人走进加油站，对收银员说：“把柜台里的钱全都交给我不然我一枪把你给崩了！！”
收银员：“但是你手里没拿枪啊！”
黑人：“哎呦不好意思，习惯成自然。我是四号位，结下账谢谢。”
——8 ace
可恶啊！黑掉索尼数据的黑客！这下大家都会知道下一部007里面会有飞车追逐的场景和大批漂亮的姑娘了啧……
——grotesk
新女友用手给我撸，爽得我不禁问她：“你怎么手上功夫这么好啊？”
“多年锻炼，熟能生巧。”她说。
“哈哈，曾经阅男无数么？”我笑道。
“不。曾经我是个男的。”
——Snikoggs
刚泡好一杯茶，坐下准备喝时，妻子走了进来，她当着我的面脱下了身上的衣服，对我说：“快来日我。”于是我饿虎扑食一般把她摁倒在沙发上，打了我这辈子最爽的一炮。
完事之后，她躺在我的怀中呢喃道：“你可别忘了自己的那杯茶哦。”
“再等等，现在还太烫了嘛。”我说。
——BummedYourDad
商科考试，考卷上一道填空题，“你的_____越多，你就越穷。”结果“黑人邻居”竟然不是正确答案。
——Due Hickey
性爱其实很像量子物理——
我听说过。
——jokestopstuff网站
入职的第一个星期，我就已经骂过人S…、向他们的脸上吐过口水、用脚去踩他们的手、给他们身上抹上粪便、还威胁说要杀了他们全家。
CIA十分满意已经给我涨工资了。
——bushwhacker
“妈咪！”我听见小女儿喊，“人家想看《圣诞老人》的电影可以吗？”
“亲爱的，能不能看应该要问谁，你是知道的哦。”妻子回答她。
“爹地～”女儿对我说。
“我在呢，什么事呀亲爱的？”我忍不住笑起来。
“你有金正恩的电话号码吗？”
——trappa
俄罗斯小孩对父亲说：“爸爸，能给我五卢布么？”
父亲反问：“二十卢布？你要五十卢布干什么？啊？”
——4chan网友
扎克伯格说自己每天都穿同一件衬衫，是因为不想把时间浪费在毫无意义的事情上。
于是他……运营Facebook吗……
——statusstalker网站
I got my father's weak chin, receding hairline, and tiny crooked penis.
我继承了我父亲内缩的下巴、早秃的发际线、和又小又歪的JB。
It was the strangest will reading I have ever attended.
这真是我参加过的最奇怪的遗嘱宣读会……
——Garret
妻子过世后，为了能让来参加葬礼的人们全都能哭出真情实感。
我只好把她欠过钱的人全都请来了。
——sam23
我家刚装了一个穆斯林式浴室。
好吧其实是没交水费家里被断水了。
——Cecilthewonderdog
我还记得在曾经，我可以带着几英镑钱出门，买上20根香烟、五六杯啤酒、回来路上还能有足够的钱买一份炸鱼薯条。
后来我他妈就结婚了。
——Dog Shit On My Shoe
英国保守党议员被媒体抓拍在国会上公然用iPad玩Candy Crush，保守党对此表态称，要一连抓到三个议员玩游戏才能将他们消除。
——推特用户@haveigotnews
坏消息：这个圣诞节我可能要在监狱中度过了。
好消息：狱中的圣诞趴踢基本能当BBC二台的《流行金曲》来看，感谢警方的“杉树行动”这些年来抓了这么多性侵的老艺人啊！
——Secret Site Agent
我也不是说犹太人都抠门啊，总之我刚看见一个在和自动售货机讨价还价……
——JouMaSePoes
夫妻间又吵了一架，满怀怨气的丈夫突然对妻子说：
“亲爱的，我觉得你以后就不用戴胸罩了。”
“是吗！”她有些高兴，“你是说过了这么多年了，我的胸现在还很青春坚挺，所以不用戴？”
“不，我就是觉得不戴胸罩，说不定能把你脸上的皱纹拉掉一点！”
——cooperman
每次我和妻子因为她的体重和身材吵起架，她都会气冲冲跑去找别的男人。
通常是贝尔多爸爸/徹思叔叔/瑞可爷爷。
——Cecilthewonderdog(原文为英国蛋糕品牌Mr Kipling)
☆ 恐怖分子们把人质围到了一起，带头的那个对我说：“来，你在1到36之间随便报个数。”
“17！”我大喊。
于是他一抬手开枪射杀了我的妻子。
“妈逼我们刚才排号时你丫绝对在旁边偷看了吧！”
——Reject Dog
今天早晨，我和妻子一起在酒店的泳池里游泳，突然泳池里一个五岁小男孩呛了水在挣扎，眼看就要沉下去。
幸亏有我妻子在，小男孩化险为夷。
——她从泳池里爬出去通知救生员，于是水位就只到小男孩下巴了。
——Cecilthewonderdog
昨晚我站在酒吧外抽烟，不知哪儿冒出来个汉子跑来问我：“哥们儿，有烟么？”
“有啊。”我说。
过了几秒钟，他看着我又问：“呃，那烟在哪儿呢？”
我说：“这不在我手上拿着么你丫眼瞎是吧！”
——SilverSprint
我一直认为英国警察至今仍在搜查马德琳案是件既蠢又浪费纳税人钱的事，直到这次英国气温刚刚降到冰点丫们就拉帮结伙地跑去葡萄牙审问嫌疑人，我才意识到是我低估了他们……
——Hairy Goat Herder
女人在思考问题时，为什么总爱用一只手去托着下巴？
为了避免被自己打断思绪。
——justthisonce
If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.
如果你总是在整理东西，你是有强迫症。如果你总是在吃东西，你是胖。
(OBCD谐音Obesity——肥胖)
——intershitty
Previous article:
关于农民工讨薪那点事儿4 (11 years ago)
Next article:
1.27 (11 years ago)
About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
