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当兵的时候,有一次吃饭,我们一个班坐一个大圆桌,当时在新兵连,训练量比较大,而且饭菜都是素的。
菜刚上来,我们就拿着筷子就开始猛吃,我旁边一个人突然站起来,筷子夹起来一块肉。就喊:班长,发现一块肉!
班长一筷子抢过来,说:很好,交给我处理,你继续侦察。。。

有一哥们住旅馆,晚上起来上厕所,由于太冷不愿去厕所就随手拿起一矿泉水瓶开始尿,突然听到隔壁有XX的声音,女的叫的还挺放荡,于是瓶子就卡住了。。。

女A:为什么女人一边骂男人不是好东西,一边又喜欢男人呢?
女B:真心想买东西的人都是挑三拣四的,一直夸好的那是托儿。

最近老婆养了一条宠物狗,为了养成它定时进食的习惯,
老婆特意进行了训练。具体方法如下:
只要她一咳嗽,我就乖乖地去给狗准备吃的。

“老公,我觉得自己好胖,想减肥了。”
“千万不要减肥,现在你丑还有胖来当个借口。”
楼主,卒

夫妻本是同林鸟,闯了大祸比翼飞!
昨晚22点多下班,路口红绿灯那里,一对30多岁男女,

应该是夫妻打架,打的挺凶,对打的那种。
只见那女的反手脱下高跟鞋,一把甩过去,噼里啪啦,
没错,男的躲过了,倒霉的是街边商店的大玻璃。
愣了一刹,男的抓起女的手,撒腿就跑,
没错,鞋都不要了,一起跑了!

昨天去银行打款。车临时停路边上,为了怕交警罚就把朋友留下看车,跟他说有查车的过来了告诉我一声,进去几分钟果然有交警来了,那个朋友风风火火地闯进银行大声吼到:大哥,警察来了,快走啊!尼玛,偌大的一个大厅几十号人,顷刻间寂静无声,然后人潮像洪水一样涌出银行,然后我就被五六个保安控制按在了地上………真他妈冤!不怕神一样的对手,就怕猪一样的队友!

每年高烤成绩公布后…
就会涌现出一大批新物种,他们叫做复读鸡
寿命从1年到数年不等,之后有可能进化成另一种生物:大学狗
再经过4年的血洗,将进化成不同的分支,例如程序猿、攻城狮、公务猿、教狮
个体狐、经狸、司鸡…

今天看到一说说。。说高考700分和700万选择哪一个。。然后各种留言啊。。
  一楼,知识改变命运,我选700万。
  二楼,知识还能炫耀一下,钱能干什么,我选700万。
  三楼,没有知识怎么跟富二代拼,我选700万。
  四楼,你们都太肤浅了,我选700万。
  这帮尊重知识,视金钱如粪土的人。。

一日,唐三藏无聊,问悟空:悟空,你72变什么都能变吗?
悟空答:当然
唐三藏:那你变个老虎来看看
悟空变了只老虎
唐三藏:变个大象来看看
悟空变了只大象
唐三藏:变个鸡来看看
悟空变了个女人
唐三藏一愣,感叹道:我艹,牛逼
悟空愣住了,想了想
拔了根毛变成一头母牛,然后自己变成唐三藏的样子,把裤子脱了

突然想起小时候有个坏同学总是拿我的手往女生胸部放、然后撒腿就跑、女生去追他留我独自凌乱。。后来分班了。。我想对他说朋友你在哪?我好想你阿,回来继续玩耍好不好!!!

初中一同学英语巨烂,一次英语考试他被老师爆打一顿。原因是这样的,作文要求是讲述小明被车撞后送去医院,他正文写到:xiaoming walk lushang bei car zhuang .120 wuwa wuwa come。英语老师拿起书就狂拍他的头,我让你wuwa wuwa!

武侠小说之所以能吸引人,人物名字取得潇洒帅气灵逸动人占了很大因素。王重阳、黄药师,这一听就是一代宗师,你要改成王老根、黄药匣子,气势顿时逊爆了;张无忌要是叫张长贵,周芷若要是叫周大脚,情节还有法打动你吗?西门吹雪大战叶孤城,要是改成西门大拿与叶大脑袋,你还有看下去的欲望吗。。

"我的胖是暂时的,你的矮却是终生的"这话很火,请发明者站出来,我保证不打死你,我只问你一句,你说这句话的时候,尼玛想过我这种又矮又胖的人的感觉没?

“警察同志,不好了!我新买的车很可能是变形金刚!刚才我停好车没走多远,回头发现我的车自己跑了起来,跑着跑着还变形了!” “坡道停车记得拉手刹,车都撞这逼样了。

深秋的某个晚上,女孩坐在梧桐树下,黯然神伤
在思念两个男人,一个是她大学同学,英俊帅气,是公认的校草,追求了她三年
她都没答应,另一个是他哥哥,稳重而有气质,从小青梅竹马
对她呵护有加每每想到这里,女孩不免叹气
自言自语到:早知道就不让他们俩认识了..


初中时在同桌的手机里发现了几张女人胸部特写图片,我一股脑全给删了。然后拉着一个男胖子同学到厕所让他脱了衣服挤着乳沟重新拍了几张。至今不敢向同桌坦白此事,怕他知道陪他度过青春期的性幻想对象其实是坐在他后面的死胖子从而做出诸如自寻短见或转变性取向并独爱熊gay的可怕事情,不堪设想

转:“如果你说一个女大学生,晚上去夜总会陪酒,听起来就不太好,可如果你说一个夜总会小姐,白天坚持去大学听课,就满满的正能量了。如果你说你是一个学者,开了个公司,会被鄙视,认为你俗,真是斯文败类。可是如果你说你是一个商人,经商之余还专研学术,别人会肃然起敬,尊称你为儒商。所以说话的时候,顺序特别重要。”
ps:想想现在一些犯罪分子,还在政府各部门坚持为人民服务,真是很励志!


“被告人,你为什么殴打原告?请陈述理由。” “他考完和我说感觉太差了,和我对答案说自己错了很多, 完蛋了,我安慰了他一小时。 结果考试成绩出来,他全班第二,我没过。” “好的,不要审了,被告无罪。我允许你当庭殴打原告一小时."

老师问,谁能把”燕雀安知鸿鹄之志”翻译成现代文?二货答:“哥的世界你不懂!”。

如果三年前我不拿错我妹妹的包,也许我现在还是个不良少年。那天我们洪兴帮跟隔壁班约架,到地方了,兄弟们纷纷拿出刀,剑,棍。当我从包里拿出巴拉拉小魔仙的魔法棒出来时,我觉得我这个老大当不下去了。

唐诗基本可以总结为:田园有宅男 边塞多愤青 咏古伤不起 送别满基情。 而宋词基本可以总结为:小资喝花酒 老兵坐床头 知青咏古自助游 皇上宫中愁 剩女宅家里 萝莉嫁王侯 名媛丈夫…… MM在青楼.
元曲是这样:北客晨怀古,秋思绘香骨,基伴来吐槽,驴友天涯路。野合真素材,种田流行体,梦里魂穿有市场,性转编成戏。宅男退稿急,大手养萝莉,原作竟还搞同人,今人哪勘比。
明清小说:汉子会打虎,观园里迷路。一路向西是王道,才子很大户。皇帝总自助,女子遍大陆。遥指牧童欲问路,满庭雾色关不住。出门把路谜,书生睡狐狸,婆媳PK战妯娌,小姑丫鬟NPC 。地府洗点重生地,鬼怪多情演才艺,欲报恩仇身相许,触发剧情靠亲戚。
诗经:天气这么好,趁机来一发?大伙来彪歌,一起来一发?既然同船渡,何不来一发?月亮出来了,抓紧来一发?

老师问小明,三国里面谁最厉害,小明:貂蝉,三英战吕布打平手,让貂蝉一个人就给虐了。老师:红楼里面谁最厉害,。小明:林黛玉,没看过红楼梦的都知道林黛玉。老师:水浒里面谁最厉害。小明:梁山,那么多人上他都没事。老师强压怒火问:西游里谁厉害。小明:猴哥的爸爸,大石头都能干怀孕了。老师:滚出去。

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About the game:


USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!

In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.

Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.

Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.


In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.

"E-Sim is one of the most unique browser games out there"

Become an influential politician.

The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.


You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.

The international war.

The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).


At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.

E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.


Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.


Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.


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