Esim - 5.9老段子
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酸儿辣女

  同事华子的媳妇小静怀孕了,他是含在嘴里怕化了,捧在手里怕摔了,万分小心地伺候着。不过年底这段实在太忙,只好回老家请老妈来帮忙。老妈早就想抱孙子了,高高兴兴地进城照顾媳妇。

  还是老人家有经验。老妈一来,乱糟糟的小家很快变得井井有条。老妈还订了个食谱,早上吃什么、中午吃什么、晚上吃什么,安排得一丝不苟。

  上周三吃晚饭时,华子发现菜太酸了,不免嘟囔了一句。老妈把他拉到一边,神秘地说:“傻小子,我这是在测试你媳妇怀的是男是女!”“怎么测?”华子问。老妈得意地说:“老话说酸儿辣女,如果你媳妇喜欢吃酸的,不就说明是男孩吗?”于是华子跑进屋里问小静:“这菜吃着还合胃口吧?”小静点头说:“嗯,妈做得挺好吃的!”华子亲了她一下,回头一看,老妈脸上乐开了花。

  谁知天有不测风云。第二天下班后,老妈忧心忡忡地跟华子说:“你媳妇今天忽然想吃辣的,该不会是女孩吧?”华子虽然对生男生女看得很淡,但为照顾老妈的情绪,还是劝道:“您不知道,小静没怀孕时就喜欢吃辣的,习惯了,吃点辣的很正常!”老妈没说什么,但情绪显然没有昨天高涨。

  第三天,华子回到家,见老妈坐在沙发上皱着眉头,唉声叹气。他连忙问:“怎么样?小静今天想吃什么?”“酸辣汤!”老妈带着哭腔说:“天哪,不会不男不女吧!”

  李志华(朝阳)

  谦虚的敌后武工队

  周五下午公司召开年终总结会,中层干部都要汇报自己的成绩和经验。

  第一位汇报的是一位项目经理,他非常谦虚,为了突出团队里其他成员的功劳,淡化自己的作用,他说自己只是充当联络员,把能工巧匠、技术高手联系到一起。

  第二位汇报的是业务部经理,他说他的工作就像联络员,白天打电话跟客户联络业务,晚上吃饭和客户联络感情。

  第三位汇报的是客户服务部经理,他说客服工作的作用,就像是公司和客户间的联络员……

  第四位汇报的是办公室主任,他说他负责上下级间的沟通,是公司里的联络员……

  第五位是技术部经理,他说技术工作要学习的地方还很多,他愿意充当研究所与技术部之间的联络员……

  这时,我听坐我前边的人小声说:“联络员怎么这么多,一下子冒出五个?”另一位夸张地回答:“你不知道?我们是敌后武工队啊!”

  高欣(朝阳)

  大家随便吃

  上周四上午,我讲完课回办公室小憩。进门后,见同事们正有说有笑地嗑瓜子、嚼糖块儿,便好奇地问:“有什么喜事啊?”“今天是赵老师生日,他请客!快抓紧时间分享吧。”坐我对面的老王赶紧招呼我,他最近感冒了,嗓音有点哑。

  “噢!”我点点头,凑过去抓起一块酒心巧克力,剥开糖纸刚要往嘴里搁,蓦地想起了什么……于是笑嘻嘻地对老王说:“哎!王老师,如果我没记错的话,今天也是您生日吧?”

  老王一愣,继而严肃地说:“对!可长这么大就没过过,得!今儿我也凑个热闹,请一回客吧!”说着,老王把手揣进羽绒服口袋,众人眼睛立刻齐刷刷聚拢过来,想看看素有铁公鸡之称的老王拿什么请客。

  老王掏出一个小白盒子往桌上一拍,豪爽地说:“我请客,速效伤风胶囊,大家随便吃,别客气……”

  张学兵(大兴)

  天降牛奶于斯人也

  妻到外地出差,走时嘱咐我:“你身体不太好,去牛奶公司订份奶吧!”

  过了几天,妻打电话来问我订牛奶的事,我敲敲脑门说:“忘了。”妻说:“你呀,还像个小孩,什么都要我操心!”

  第二天早晨,我就发现门前多了个牛奶箱,里面放着一瓶牛奶。我不由得十分感动:妻远在千里之外,却如此的挂念着我,为我如此操劳。

  一个月后,妻回来了。看见门前的牛奶箱,妻子感到非常满意:“这次还算听话。什么时候订的?”我诧异地说:“不是你订的吗?”妻疑惑地摇了摇头。

  我打电话给念大学的儿子,这小子有时也会给我们一个惊喜的。可儿子也说牛奶不是他订的。这就奇怪了,谁帮我们订的牛奶呢?一连几天,我们都在猜测着这件事。

  一次和楼下的老李闲聊,老李发了一顿感叹:“现在这社会呀,信誉越来越不值钱了。比如上个月我们订了牛奶,说好每天早上送到的,可到现在一次都没给我们送过……”

  赵学彦(湖北)

  送行惊魂

  前两天到外地出差,住在一个同学家。办完事后准备回家,买的是夜里三点钟的车票。我这个人晚睡行,早起不行,担心误了火车,就再三叮嘱同学一定要提前叫我起床。

  朦胧中,就听同学在我耳边小声说:“赵岩,时辰到了,该走了……”

  我晕晕乎乎地收拾好衣服,说了声再见就拉开门往外走,同学里屋说了句:“走好……”

  此刻,外面黑乎乎的,冷风一吹,我突然清醒过来,想起刚才同学说的话,不禁出了一身冷汗。

  赵岩(黑龙江)

  拖鞋也有保质期

  我小侄女上小学三年级,求知欲望很强,好发表见解,但有些事情也一知半解,常闹出些笑话。

  周日去丈母娘家拜访,小侄女为了听我讲故事,早早就在门口等着。我见皮鞋上粘了点泥,心想要是把地板踩脏了还得自己拖,于是跟小侄女说:“去把拖鞋给姑父拿来。”她忙跑到屋里去找拖鞋,拿来一双棉拖鞋放在地上。我刚要伸脚,小侄女嗖的一声又把拖鞋抄走了。

  只见她左看看右看看,表情严肃地说:“这鞋不能穿了!”我媳妇把拖鞋接过去,仔细端详了一下:“怎么了,没坏呀?”我俩正纳闷呢,小侄女指指拖鞋上的商标,恨铁不成钢地说:“哎呀,没看见上面印着2002年嘛?今年都2004年了,早就过期了!”

  周渤海(宣武)

  这个烟民不一般

  前两天报纸上刊登了“驾车吸烟罚款200元”的消息后,我儿子不禁为他舅舅担心起来。

  当天晚饭时,儿子跟他老妈说:“您得给我舅舅打个电话,叫他开车时别抽烟了。”我夫人在其他事上还通情达理,但就是不愿听人说自己家里人不好,于是她明知故赖、强词夺理地说:“你舅舅从来不抽烟!”

  “那你和舅妈怎么老说家里的钱都让他买烟了?”儿子反问。

  “那是偶尔抽个一支半支的。”夫人继续耍赖。

  “但他两个手指怎么都熏黄了?”儿子追问。

  “但他从来不在开车时抽烟!”夫人顽抗到底。

  “那他的车顶上怎么都熏黄了?”我实在看不下去了,就插了一句。

  “那是别人抽烟给熏的!”夫人死不改口。

  “你说那块黄怎么就集中在驾驶席头顶上呢?”我抛出致命一招儿。

  “……”夫人哑了。

  陈铁柱(海淀)

  差点捡到宝

  周日,我和好友萍萍去万通买衣服,经过一家新开的时装店时,见门口贴出“七折酬宾”的告示,还摆了两个模特,一男一女。女模特身穿一件很漂亮的毛料上衣,还挎着个小包。走近一看,标价是126元。萍萍算了一下,打七折,这件上衣只需80多元就可以到手,她欢呼雀跃,连呼便宜,立即冲进店内和店主商量。

  我在门口等着她。过了一会儿,只见萍萍撅着嘴走了出来,生气地说:“也不写清楚,害得人家空欢喜一场。”我忙问怎么了。萍萍怒道:“老板说,126元是那包的价格,那件上衣要568元呢!”

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