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今天在微博上看到一条有人说:“触屏机屏幕上的细菌是马桶的二十倍!”
然后一神回复“我敢用我的舌头舔我的手机屏幕,你敢用舌头舔你家的马桶吗?”

出门上街,有个女孩跑过来,问我:“给我30块,我就当你一小时女朋友好么?”
看她眉清目秀,我没咬牙立刻掏出钱递给她。
她很自然地挽起我的手指着路边的店铺对我说:“老公,我要买这个这个还有这个。”

跟网上学的,和路边一大爷下棋,我专门下载了象棋大师,调到专家难度,大爷下一步我就摁一步,结果他连输3局,大爷都傻了,这小子边玩手机还能把我下输。。。
结果到了第4局,大爷一拍腿,说:这局你先走...
5555,这可肿么办呐。。。。

问:你不疯不闹不叛逆不追,星不暗恋不表白不谈恋爱不约会不出去玩不喝酒不逛街不聚会不k歌不撒野因为你要学习要工作,请问你的青春被狗吃了么?
神回复:你疯闹叛逆追星暗恋表白谈恋爱约会出去玩喝酒逛街聚会k歌撒野因为你不学习不工作,请问你的青春狗愿意吃么!

“呵呵我真是没见过比你更丑的人了。”
“哦你从来不照镜子?”

同样是土字辈,为啥我是土包子,你是土豪!

朋友今天去跟老总辞职,老总问她为什么,她说:公司要垮了你看不出来吗?

我有个朋友玩微信玩SB了,刚给我打电话,说一句挂一回。

“广场舞扰民屡发不止,专家提醒合理健身!”怎么说呢,不是现在的老人变坏了,而是以前的坏人变老了。

“为什么每次圣斗士出招前都要大喊一下招式?”
程序猿回复:“函数要先声明,然后才能调用。”

在外面吃饭,忘了带钱,打个电话叫兄弟穿上警察的衣服把自己带走...

女人的逻辑就是:“你胸好大”!就是“流氓”!“你身材真好”就“谢谢”。。

某天,一男孩逗一女孩,女孩生气的说:“你想死啊!”
男孩一脸正经的说:“你太直白了,应该换个方式表达。”
女孩:“你不想活了!

青蛙:要鞋子吧?
蜘蛛:不要
青蛙:看看吧,不错的。
蜘蛛:为什么向我推销呢?
青蛙:老板说,你有8条腿,一买就是4双!
蜘蛛:这样吧,你去向蜈蚣推销吧!
青蛙:蜈蚣先生,要鞋子吧?看看吧,不错的。
蜈蚣:你为什么向我推销呀?
青蛙:老板说,你腿比较多,一买就是……
蜈蚣:这样呀,那你向你的老板娘去推销吧,她里外的“腿”那才叫多呢?

早上起来,苍蝇兄弟俩相遇。
“嗨,老哥,吃早饭了吗?”
“老弟早啊,我刚去上厕所,顺带就吃了。”

领导提拔一美女后,几次要潜规则该美女,都被她以各种理由拒绝了。
对此领导非常生气,过几天就把该美女职位降了。
其他人对此颇不理解,问领导原因。
领导说:“该女在领导面前放不开,难以胜任。

老师上课的时候对学生问:“你们谁会说外语啊?”
“我会-”一个学生举手说。
老师就问:“你会说哪国的?”
“阿拉伯的,老师可以吗?”学生问。
“可以你站起来回答吧!”老师笑着说。
“1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9……”

一次我不小心踩到便便,一朋友说那是运气好的象征。那一次,我真的不敢想象我那朋友的运气到底有多好~他掉粪池了

老爸QQ斗地主中,我围观。
“老爸,出这张牌绝对能赢,对就这样!”我指手画脚。
老爸将信将疑,按我说的出了,结果被农民炸了四炸(癞子斗地主),转头批我:“都是你害我输了。”
我振振有词的说道:“我只是提一个建议,你有更好的出法也可以出啊,做人怎么可以意志不坚定呢,别人让你做啥你就做啥...”
“= _=!你皮痒了。

甲:有一次,我玩滑翔伞,刚一从悬崖上起飞,麻烦就来了。
乙:什么麻烦?
甲:我感到肚子剧痛,可能马上就得拉稀。
乙:那你当时怎么办的?
甲:没办法,落地找到厕所怎么还得等十几分钟,我必须先忍着。
乙:也只能那样了。
甲:就这样,我强忍着,忍着,忍着……
乙:那最后怎么了?
甲:实在倒霉,一会儿我就一泻千里了!

一家农户里,一只老鼠从洞里出来找东西偷吃。他很快就找到一个袋子,由于饿得实在不行了,老鼠看都没看,就津津有味的吃了起来。
就在这时,农户家的狗过来了,老鼠热情地对狗说:“狗哥,这东西真好吃,一块吃点吧!”
狗瞪大眼睛瞧了瞧,一把把老鼠按在地上,气愤地骂道:“妈的,你活腻了!”
老鼠一边挣扎,一边抱怨:“狗哥,偷吃点东西没什么吧,你这才是狗拿耗子多管闲事呢!”
狗听后,苦笑道:“是吗,你再仔细看看你吃的什么!”
老鼠觉得纳闷,瞪大眼睛瞧了瞧袋子上写着的两个字,顿时翻白眼,绝望了:狗粮!

晚上,儿子做完作业睡了。为关心一下他的学习情况,我偷偷地把儿子的作业本拿了出来看看。
儿子的作业是“词语解释”。其中一个题是:请解释一下“与人方便,自己方便”的意思。
看到儿子的解释后,我哭笑不得:下课了,我想去上厕所。一个人也是去,不如陪同学一块去,因为和别人一起方便,同时自己也就方便了,一举两得

村里,有一人因小事争吵,误伤一人,因此锒铛入狱,在狱中劳动改造时,学会了真空包装机使用。
回到村,刚好被村里的村办企业看中,发挥了大作用,有人就羡慕不已,有一妇女就说:你看别人多有出息,回头,也让俺那口子去学学!

老婆是什么?爱情是什么?生活是什么?
1、老师:老婆就是那知识,学会了,一辈子都跟着你,不会忘记;爱情就是那数、理、化,五花八门,还真没办法能钻透!生活就是数数,日子得一天一天过!
2、电焊工:老婆就是那电焊机,天天吵得你心烦,但没有它,你还干不了这活;爱情就是那电焊,时不时得碰出点火花;生活就是焊接,时好,时坏,不好的时候,你得用锉刀锉一锉,要磨,磨平就好。
3、司机:老婆就是那警察,他老盯着你,稍不留神,跑偏了,他就逮你;爱情就是那红绿灯,一会给你变化一种颜色,专门诱惑你,但红灯你最好别碰,要么罚款,要么要你命;生活就是那道,你得直路直走,弯路弯走,千万别钻进死胡同;
4、裁缝:老婆就是那粗布衣,虽不华丽,但能遮风挡雨,穿在身上踏实;爱情就是衣服的色彩,五颜六色,看花了,也不知道那个更配;生活就是那抹布,哪里脏了就得动一下,不可能总是干干净净的。

女娲补完天,就坐在山下休息,一时心血来潮,拿着树枝就在地上造人。
担心太累,不用天天造人,就给他们分出男、女,让他们自己去传宗接代,于是,就有了男、女;
在造人时,泥巴有时多,就把它捏到其他人身上,就有了高个,还有些边角料一扔,就有了矮人;
累了就喝了点酒,结果捏的就变成酒鬼;
睡着觉捏的就变成盲人;还有一些就变成植物人;
偷懒时捏的,没有捏完整的不合格产品,就变成残疾人;
粘在一起的就成了连体婴儿;
把一块切成两块的就变成双胞胎;切成多块的变成多胞胎;
心情好时捏的变成好人;心情不好时捏的就变成坏人;
做梦时说梦话捏的就变成疯子;
同一个地方的泥巴做的就成了朋友或者亲戚,不同地方的变成敌人;
干完活,她仰天大笑:做人难!做这么多人更难!

清晨,一老者在江边踱来踱去,徘徊了很久,站在岸边,望着江面沉思。
一熟人从江边经过,见此事,担心老人一时想不开想自寻短见。
熟人:大伯,看风景呢?
老者:唉,没什么!
熟人:有什么烦心事吗?
老者:没什么大不了的!就是昨天,和朋友玩麻将,好不容易十三幺清章,碰到十三飞,我吃了上家打出的一张幺。如果我再忍一忍,我不就能自摸了,加上中了两条马,你说我该羸多少钱!
熟人:嗨,我以为是什么呢?下次要吸起教训!
老者:我就是在反思啊!看到平静的江水,我就在想:麻将如江水,高深莫测啊!

有一天,客人来我们家做客,
客人:你最小的儿子,也就是二十岁的那个,今年多大了?
我答:你脑子坏了!!!”。
客人又问:这张照片不错,你妻子给你拍的时候,你在场吗?
我:………………。
客人:听说你得了一种健忘症?
我:是的。
客人:你能想起来你忘了神马吗?
我:汗死。
客人最后问:你是因为从楼梯上滚了下来才导致的健忘症吗?
我:是的
客人:那么你滚上去了吗?
我昏迷不醒……



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About the game:


USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!

In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.

Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.

Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.


In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.

"E-Sim is one of the most unique browser games out there"

Become an influential politician.

The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.


You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.

The international war.

The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).


At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.

E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.


Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.


Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.


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