Article
Chapter one: The Genus of Paranoid Melons
There is an odd class of organisms known as Paranoid Melons.
Very little is known about them. They have a small variety of species.
One such Species is the infamous pomum trolleum or the Trolling Fruit , which mainly has the appearance of a cantaloupe with a contorted face. Other species seen take the form of a watermelon,a tomato,and most notably,a potato.
WITH LEGS. Chopsticks in place of legs yes,but legs. A common trait in these species is that
they each have their own version of the "Troll Face" shaped out the irregularities in the
skin. They all have a tendency to somehow access the Internet and troll ceaselessly and
mercilessly.Though the creature itself is a pest,it also helps to control weeds and molds
spoiling the soil of e-usa. What sustains them is unknown,and there are many theories about
them. Some say it may be that the responses to their trolling gives off some sort of energy
which they absorb,thus causing the birth of "Don't Feed The Trolls". Some say that they
appear to follow the migration patterns of large Dinosaurs,though that theory has yet to be
accepted by said creatures. We are currently attempting to gather the research journals used
by scientists to study Paranoid Melons in the past. So far only 5% of them have died from
their brain melting down from the heat and frustration. If anyone here has any kind of new
findings,or even better,a journal from a surviving scientist, please do us the honor of
sharing your information with us. Don't be shy. (^_^)
Chapter two: The Melon Behind the Mask
The Trolling fruit,better known as paranoidmelon,in honor of his Genus's name I'm
sure,does as he should be doing,trolling e-sim,preying upon molds,and overall being a
melon head,pretending to be a paranoid watermelon. But don't be fooled by his masquerade. On
the inside he still purely a cantaloupe. But,as his ancestors learned,it is best to
camouflage yourself.Paranoid Melons,derived from the class Trolleum(supposedly derived from
class homo sapien),inherited the instincts of their origin class.So that while they prey
upon others,they are not gotten themselves. In the wilderness of the internet,there are many
enemies to beware of.Even fellow trolls may attempt to attack them. Sometimes prey
themselves will bite back. So the resourceful melons must cover potential weak spots in
their shell. Should a Melon be revealed to be a cantaloupe,that information-caused weakness
may be exploited by trollers,possibly doing it in with the brain-melting heat and
frustration a troll may experience when being trolled.The only way the scientists found out
about this "true form" was by carefully researching the family tree of watermelons,calling
one by its' true name and receiving an answer.
Chapter three: The Benefits of Melons
Paranoid Melons,as they are trolls,have few benefits,but I will attempt to expand on them
a little here.As you read,trolls trolling trolls does happen.This is one of the things
having one on your side can be good for(although they're never really on anyone's
side),because if say, a new troll comes into town and starts making a mess,yours is just as
likely to troll them and drive them off as to make friends and join forces with them.(Let's
just hope it's the former.) Also,if you're feeling rather sadistic,you can sit there and
watch them troll people unto the verge of swearing and insanity. Think of them as a
double-edged...chainsaw?Weapon of mass destruction? Half-faithless guard dog?(o_o')
Chapter four:The Consequences of Melons
Useful as they may be,trolls are still trolls. They always come back,they never stop,
very rarely repent or apologize,and are bound and determined to find a sore nerve,and twang
away at it for weeks on end like a harper endlessly repeating an idiot's lullaby.
They can be vicious and cunning.And more than happy to torture you for years.
They also multiply very quickly and easily.You may even find yourself slowly turning into
one!This goes for any kind.Not just cantaloupes.They're an odd breed alright.
Chapter 5: How to Stop Being a Cantaloupe
It's hard,but slightly possible to stop being a troll and change your species back
to Homo Sapien. It's just more likely to temporary than permanent.(much more likely.)
For someone new to trolling,it may even work.For them,it's simple,go a while without messing
with someone's head,insulting them repeatedly,practically stalking them,clinging to one
naggingly annoying story or fact and screaming it all over the place, etcetera. For veterans
to it however...It's probably impossible.I guess they would have to start out doing the same
thing (for a much smaller amount of time) and slowly work on making it last longer.
Unfortunately,though,it likely won't work. It's worth trying though.
There it is,a summary on trolls and instructions on how to revert them.
If the process works,please contact us and we will immediately began a party to celebrate
such a miracle. If it doesn't,well,don't say we didn't warn you.
Side effects of failure may include: nonstop trolling and lols,hoarseness due to laughing
too hard,stomach pain due to bellyaching about it not working,illness from being sick and
tired of the combined effect of miserable humor and being trolled for believing this in the
first place,exhaustion to the author(Me) for writing yet another useless article,etcetera.
Previous article:
A Little Break (10 years ago)
Next article:
My Run for Congress (10 years ago)
About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
