Esim - VTIPY - Páni a ich sluhovia
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VTIPY - Páni a ich sluhovia




V Hydepark sa stretli dva lordi. Keď okolo nich prešla dáma na koni, spýtal sa jeden z nich: "Sire, poznáte tú dámu?"
"Iste."
"A mal ste s ňou niečo?"
"Moment," povedal lord, vytiahol zápisník, pozrel sa do neho a povedal: "Yes, mal."
"A viete, že je to moja žena?"
"Moment," zase s pokojom Angličana sir, znova vytiahol notes, nalistoval a preniesol: "Yes, sir. Áno viem."
"A nemáte mi k tomu čo povedať?"
"Moment," ... opäť prelistoval zápisník a povedal: "Mám. Zle priráža ...!"





"Jean, prineste mi pohár vody!"
"Iste pane."
"Jean, ešte jeden pohár vody !!
"Iste pane."
"Jean, zavolajte hasičov, toto sami neuhasíme!"




Staručký lord, milionár, má na konci svojej veľkej záhrady krásne, udržiavané jazierko a okolo neho vysádzané ovocné stromy. Jedno letné popoludnie sa rozhodne, že si natrhá čerstvé ovocie. Vezme si plastové vedro a ide k jazierku. Keď však dorazí na miesto, zistí, že v jazierku sa kúpe päť nahých mladých slečien. Hneď ako spozorujú starého pána, stiahnu sa do stredu jazierka a ponoria sa po krk do vody.
Po chvíli jedna volá na dedka: "Čo, prišiel ste nás očumovať a teraz čakáte, že vylezieme z vody, Vy úchylák?"
Na to dedo zamáva vedrom a s nevinným úsmevom hovorí: "Ale nie, prišiel som len nakŕmiť aligátora."




Lord Hamilton sa vráti nečakane domov a pristihne svojho komorníka vo svojom kresle, ako fajčí jeho cigary a popíja jeho whisky. Lorda to rozčúli:
"Čo je to za spôsoby, James, moje cigary, moja whisky, moje kreslo ... Ešte ste si mali do lona posadiť moju lady!"
"Chcel som, Vaše lordstvo, ale záhradník ma predbehol!"




Jean prší vonku?
Áno pane.
Tak choď vyvenčiť rybičky!




"Jean, dajte mi kýbel s vodou."
Jean mu ho dá.
Potom zase: "Jean, dajte mi ďalší kýbel s vodou."
Takto sa to opakuje trikrát.
Potom sa ho Jean spýta: "Na čo toľko vody, sire?"
"Hodil som svoju svokru do studne a ešte jej trčí hlava!"




"Pozrite sa, John, podajte mi, prosím, moje zlaté hodinky s retiazkou," prikazuje anglický lord svojmu komorníka. "Prosím, Mylord! Mám Vám ich aj natiahnuť? "
"Nie, neunavujte sa, John! Počnúc dnešným dňom si ich budem naťahovať sám. Lekár mi predpísal ťažšiu fyzickú prácu! "




[center][center]"Jean, pohár vody. Jean, pohár vody. Jean, pohár vody."
"Pán ráči mať takú smäd?"
"Nie, horí mi pracovňa."




"Jean, stala sa mi dnes taká divná vec. Lady Sarah si zlomila nohu a tak ju to bolelo, že som ju zastrelil, aby sa netrápila. Nie je to moc zvrhlé?"
"Myslím, že nie, sir. Zvrhlejšie by bolo, keby ste ju najskôr zastrelil a potom jej lámal nohu."




Lady je stále smutná, unavená a má migrénu. Rozhodne sa teda lord, že ju odvezie k lekárovi. Lekár si mladú lady prehliadne, načo ju požiada, aby sa vyzliekla a zúrivo sa s ňou pomiluje. Po lekárovom vyšetrení je zrazu lady v perfektnej pohode a šťastná. Hovorí teda lekár lordovi:
"Sir, a toto by to vaša žena potrebovala každý deň."
Lord odvetí:
"V pondelok, stredu aj piatok vám ju sem teda budem voziť, ale v utorok a štvrtok to nepôjde, to chodím hrať golf."




Lord kričí z kúpeľne, kde sa práve kúpe vo vani
"Jean, rýchlo choď po Lady, budeme sa milovať!"
"Áno pane"
"Jean, už nemusíš, on sa iba vznášal"




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