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1.今天和几个同事一起吃饭,一同事问,去见未来女友的现任男友该送什么礼物?另外一同事回答,送把伞好了!那同事问为什么啊?同事悠悠的回答:1,谐音为“散”,2,意思为三,3,预示着风雨欲来,4,你若不举,便是晴天!!!原谅我没忍住,喷饭了!
2.晚上到朋友家串门,见他又换了一个漂亮的女朋友,我不解的问他:你长这么丑怎么能找到这么漂亮的女朋友的,还经常换?我朋友没说话,走到厨房拿出一袋白糖撒在桌上,每次舔一颗,3分钟不到,半斤白糖舔完,然后呆呆的看着我…
3.话说以前评论过一个自拍,一个女的眼睛画着妆,手捂着嘴,标题——待我长发及腰……我评论:待你长发及腰,也别露出你的血盆大口可好?结果好像被投诉了 记录里没了,是不是真的被我说中了?
4.今天帮一个女汉子朋友搬家,有一个洗澡用的篮子翻了,掉出来一条?个?情趣棒,正拿在手里看,突然她从我手里夺走了,脸可红了,我神经病似的问了一句假的好用?她说没真的还不让用假的?我竟无言以对。。。
5.下午去银行取钱,扯了号,排了好久, 终于到我了,一把冲到柜台前:
我:取钱!
工作人员:取多少!
我:取完!
工作人员:……对不起,我们建行不受理农行的业务!
6.今天和老婆逛超市,推着小车路过卖生肉的摊位,摆满了排骨,五花肉什么的。然后,我停下来问老婆:你吃相煎何太急吗?老婆一脸茫然说:没吃过,好吃吗?我赶紧推着车往前走,五秒以后,背后被狂打。。。。。
7.手里扎了根刺,死活揪不出来,然后想起小时候老妈用针挑刺。然后我怕针有细菌,用打火机打火烤了一下。然后我就很好奇,纳闷怎么这么长时间了针尾还不烫啊?然后鬼使神差的拿针头放嘴里准备试试温度(有时缝衣服线没,我习惯把针放嘴里抿着去找线穿,习惯性动作)…然后的然后就
8.老公:你就不能快点,做什么都磨叽!
老婆:急什么,女人都这样!
老公:人都是逼出来的!
老婆:谁说都是逼出来的,现在不是有很多剥腹产的吗?
9.A君:我想买一个坦克。
B君:那就买啊。
A君:可是我没钱。
B君:信用卡刷啊。
A君:可是我没钱还。
B君:你有坦克怕什么。
A君:!!!!
10.婆婆家附近开了一家某汽车的4S店,老公说以后修车和保养就很方便了。我说其实在哪开都无所谓,重点是我们有车吗???
11.甲:离开女人我就活不了
乙:你个色鬼
甲:不,我是妇科医生
12.朋友新买了手机,今天出去玩,在水产摊上看见一个大螃蟹,在伸这长腿在动,朋友好奇心大起,用手机去动螃蟹的钳子,谁知道听见了彭的一声,手机屏幕碎了,我的朋友顿时恼火,来了句,有钳任性??随后转身离去,笑死我了!!!!

1、女友脾气太大,老生气,我该怎么哄?你是女生,肯定比较懂吧?” “哄女人的方法共有70种,1是购物,剩下的是69。
2、老婆买了大瓶的可乐,让我拧开。我拧了一分钟都没反应,老婆说:你还是不是男人啊,这点力气都没有。我说:那你去找别人拧吧。老婆就抱着可乐去找隔壁王大哥,过了15分钟,隐隐约约听见老婆在隔壁说;王大哥 用力 用力啊。呵呵,我心里乐了,都15分钟了还没拧开。这回还敢说我不是男人?!
3、终于把女 神请到家里来了,心里激动,只顾着聊天。这时,女 神:”都聊这么久了,你就不能给我倒杯水啊?”我一激动就说:“你看我这记性,蒙 汗 药都忘车里了!”
4、新婚之夜,新娘跟丈夫生气,问小青是谁?丈夫不明缘由,新娘说你背纹了小青二字,丈夫一拍脑门骂道,草!爷年轻时纹的是情,现在长胖了,分开了
5、妈语重心长的对女儿说,"从小你就不聪明,累死累活的才考上个大学,毕业后还找不到工作,现在司机要男的、编辑要男的、会计要男的、连秘书也指定要男的,妈实在为你操碎了心啊。"女儿,"555555……。"妈妈一抹脸,坚定的说,"所以趁现在老婆还能是女人,赶紧上岗,要不然过两年……

2、去奶奶家路上,司机喊了一声:“前面有狗,站着的蹲下!”
车被警察拦住,看一车蹲着的人,说:“这是超载!干嘛蹲下!”
一老太太弱弱的说了一句:“司机说前面有狗,让俺们蹲下”
本来罚200,硬是罚了2000啊。。。
3、每次朋友叫我去洗澡我都推三阻四的。那次被他们拉着去了澡堂。到门口时我说换一家吧,这家环境不太好。
他们几个都说好非要在那洗。
一进门搓背的就喊:就是那小子,上次就是给他搓背把下水道堵住的。
4、一交警哥们住院,我去探望,跟他聊天,他说:兄弟你知道吗,我们最不愿意拦的就是女司机。
我:为啥?
他:一拦她们就紧张,一紧张就不知道踩刹车还是油门了。
我:你咋知道?
他:尼妹,老子都住院了,你说咋知道?!
5、老婆:老公,我这么傻,你到底看上我哪点?
老公:我有十亿美金,存在瑞士银行,你信吗?
老婆:我信。
老公:我就看上你这一点。

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About the game:


USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!

In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.

Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.

Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.


In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.

"E-Sim is one of the most unique browser games out there"

Become an influential politician.

The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.


You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.

The international war.

The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).


At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.

E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.


Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.


Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.


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