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场景2、穿越到中世纪

根据前文的描述,大家已经知道了穿越到公元前二三千年的古埃及时代,将会享受到何等难以启齿的凌辱与何等糟糕的饮食医疗待遇,并且觉得很难忍受,更不用说甘之如饴了。
那么,就让我们穿越得近一些,从尼罗河畔的古埃及文明,往后跳跃三千年的悠久时空,前往地中海对面的未来文明中心,第一个千禧年前后的欧洲,领略一番中世纪的欧罗巴风情怎么样?想必这些欧洲人的生活在发展了三千年之后,应该已经比远古时代的埃及人进步许多了吧!
——这个……恕我直言,你恐怕会感到非常的失望,甚至觉得这见鬼的中世纪欧洲,甚至还不如古埃及那边舒服,恨不得赶紧返回古埃及去洗个澡,顺便去接受剃毛裸奔灌尿等各种羞耻PLAY……
在古埃及,你通常只需要担心节操和牙齿的安全;在中世纪欧洲,你将会遭遇的挑战则还要更加可怕。

一、并不浪漫的城堡生活

咳咳,言归正传,对于中世纪的欧洲,大家都有着怎样的印象?
通过小时候读过的《格林童话》和《安徒生童话》,以及成年之后看过的无数好莱坞大片,现代人对于中世纪欧洲,大致上应该会有着这样的浪漫联想:
——宏伟华丽的城堡、盔甲明亮的骑士、热情如火的贵妇、优雅羞涩的公主、披着黑袍或紫袍的女巫、躲在墓地里的吸血鬼、在月光下变身嚎叫的狼人……诶诶?好像有些什么奇怪的东西混进来了?
嗯,为了严肃起见,在谈论中世纪欧洲的风貌之前,最好还是先把女巫、吸血鬼、狼人这些不科学的奇幻产物在第一时间就排除掉——天晓得这些传奇人物会不会在地窖的壁炉里开了一道时空门,只要往身上撒一把奇怪的药粉,然后猫腰往壁炉里一钻,就能跑到二十一世纪的巴黎香榭丽舍大道买新款时装呢?
就现实世界而言,中世纪欧洲的主旋律就是骑士与城堡,而穿越的旅途也必然围绕这两者展开——诸位主角们之所以不辞辛劳地穿越时空,通常都不是特意去受苦受难接受贫下中农再教育的,而是为了领略中世纪风情和建功立业的,自然不会选择穿越成农奴、盗贼之类的扑街人物(想当罗宾汉的另外再说),最起码也要混上个贵族骑士的头衔,家里有城堡、有庄园、有盔甲,还有几个年轻侍女可供调戏揩油。
嗯,那么接下来该怎么办?莫非就这样住着很大很漂亮的城堡,抱着浑身香喷喷的公主,每年去骑士比武大会上出出风头,偶尔去乡下找几个中意的农家姑娘行使初夜权,换个胃口打打野战?
很遗憾,梦想很丰满,现实很骨感,中世纪的贵族生活可没有你想象之中那么舒服。
先谈谈中世纪的城堡吧!从本质上来说,城堡是用来据守的军事要塞,而不是用来显摆的豪华宫殿,更不是用来享受生活情趣的度假别墅——这些以磐石修造、深壕围绕、铁门和吊桥把守的坚固要塞,在遍地烽火的中世纪欧洲,确实可以让窥视贵族财富的不速之客望而生畏,但却不见得能让主人住得舒服。
——嗡嗡嗡年间,全中国的大中小城市都在拼命修筑三防工事,挖了不知多少防空洞,但等到改革开放之后,似乎也没见多少贪图便宜的人搬家到里头去居住……天底下哪里会有宜居的军事要塞啊?
中世纪城堡生活的糟糕之处,主要有以下几点:
首先,为了便于长期坚守,城堡大多修筑在地势险峻之处,例如悬崖、山顶,以及河心小岛等等。但地势险峻的同义词就是交通不便。
假如你的城堡位于崎岖险峻的山顶,貌似俯瞰众生威风八面,但每一趟上山回家就能把你累得够呛。如果城堡内没有足够的水井,那么每天的打水和运输食物也很累人。
当然,这些杂务都有仆人们代劳,主人们只要发愁究竟该如何让精心打造的豪华马车驶过蜿蜒狭窄的山路,拉上倾斜度极高的山坡,弄进自己的城堡里就行了。
其次,为了防备敌人的弓箭和抛石机,中世纪城堡的外壁上很少打窗洞,所以城堡的内部总是暗无天日,太阳晒不到,自然潮湿得很。再加上当时的建筑水平不过关,墙壁和屋顶上免不了有些裂缝,因此一下雨就渗漏得厉害,进而导致城堡内的保洁很成问题。
偏偏中世纪欧洲人的卫生观念也很差,于是那些看似雄伟庄严的城堡里面,通常到处都是灰尘、蛛网、臭虫、跳蚤、蚊子、苍蝇和生活垃圾,恐怕还不如当代日本流浪汉的纸板屋干净。
此外,中世纪欧洲的大幅布匹,价格仍然很贵。在那些较为贫穷的地方,一般只有城堡的主人有资格睡床铺,其他人就算是骑士侍从,也只能跟牲口一样睡稻草堆,顺便和他们的爱马一起被臭虫咬……
呃?你说在旅游手册上看到的德国城堡很华丽很舒适,根本没有我说的这么悲催?
哦,你说的大概是德国巴伐利亚州的新天鹅堡吧!
那是巴伐利亚大公在19世纪后期才修筑的“皇家主题公园”,很多尖顶之类的华丽结构都用了混凝土,你可以把它想象成现代的迪斯尼公园——真正中世纪城堡哪有这么可爱!
另外,在欧洲还有一些经常被当作游览景点的华丽城堡,其实也都是喜欢派头的近代贵族们,在文艺复兴之后甚至18、19世纪才兴建起来的,或者是在旧城堡的原址上进行了大规模改建,基本不能再算是真正的中世纪城堡,只能说是“看起来很像城堡的宫殿”罢了,跟迪斯尼乐园里的城堡差不多算是同类。
事实上,就在现代的德国和奥地利,还有很多继承了古代城堡的破落贵族后裔,对这些祖辈的遗产避之唯恐不及,挂在网上只要1欧元就肯转让,但还是乏人问津——中世纪城堡大多修建在交通不便,人烟稀少的荒山野岭,没水没电不说,哪怕开车逛个超市都得跑几十公里,除了考古专家就再也没人愿意去住。
而且,这些城堡本身的维护费用也很高——先不说城堡的体积有多大,结构有多复杂,光是让建筑队带着笨重的建筑材料和相关机械,翻山越岭路远迢迢地到城堡里跑一趟,还要自备干粮饮水和发电机……这个出勤的人工费就比在城里搞装修贵得多了。
偏偏这些城堡还是历史文化遗产,在政府档案之中有记录,若是后代不肖子孙任凭其风化坍塌,或者胡乱改建成仓库什么的话,有关的文物部门还会找你吃官司……
总之,到了中世纪末期,欧洲大陆的战争不再那么频繁之后,讲求生活质量的贵族领主们,纷纷把家当搬到了更加舒适的乡下别墅或者繁华都市里的奢侈官邸,再也不肯住这见鬼的破城堡了。

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