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学生B拍拍他的肩膀，说：“别想太多了，师傅放了两个月假，手有点生。”
医院进来一对男女看病。医生问怎么不好，男女开始合体演示，完事后，医生没发现问题收了50块钱诊费。
从此男女每周都来看病每次都演示，医生忍不住了：你们夫妻到底啥问题。
男人说，我们不是夫妻，各有家庭不能去对方家。去宾馆198，去日住房50，而您这收50，我有医保，还能报80％。
一学生面临考试，跑去找算命先生。 算命先生告诉他：“你的命，是连中三元，然后归于平淡。” 学生听了特别高兴，这说明自己肯定本、硕、博连读啊！ 他把朋友们请来，大吃了一顿庆祝。吃完结账，他在发票上刮出了三张一块钱……
妻子到家后，淡定地说：“我怀孕了。”
丈夫听后，异常兴奋地爆粗口说：“我草，你怀孕了？！”
妻子面无表情地答道：“你不用把过程也说出来。”
自从传说中的“姐”把巧克力粘到手机上，说掉茅坑里了，又恶狠狠舔了一口后所有人脸都绿了...
姐这次手机真的掉茅坑里了，用卫生纸捏着出去，说我手机掉茅坑里了。
然后一童鞋说道：得了吧，你这个笑话都过时了。于是他恶狠狠地舔了一口。姐脸都绿了...
妈妈不在家，只有爸爸和狗狗，中午爸爸煮了面条
蹲在我家狗狗面前说：今天就咱爷俩了，对付吃口面条吧。
然后就把自己碗里的面条往狗狗饭碗里挑，一会发现自己的不够吃了，又从狗碗里往回挑。吃的时候才想起来！
早上睡着正香，媳妇用力把我晃醒说：快起来，我爸来了。
我一下醒了，手脚熟练的把衣服一抱，滚到床底，顺便把鞋也收了进去。
媳妇蹲下无奈的说，快出来！尼玛的，咱俩都结婚半年了。
某男生上课看小说被逮到了现行。老师也不知道他看得什 么小说来着就说："既然看得这么HIGH,不妨念出来大家一起欣赏。"
于是课堂里响起了 "啊,省略号,啊,省略号,啊,省略号,哥哥用力......"
昨晚收到一个漂流瓶打开一看写着：夜深了，有没有成熟男人啊？
我看了是又冲动又感慨使用微信一年多了可算让我捞到约炮瓶了！
于是回复，不一会对方回：“请问前列腺炎怎么治啊，我是个高中生不好意思跟家人说？” 你麻痹！！！
小时候大概二年级的时候一次学校大扫除 在垃圾箱捡到一张四年级的语文试卷，顿 时欣喜若狂，像捡到宝贝一样，又仿佛有 一种犯罪的快感，哈哈，然后偷偷地把它 收藏了起来…
后来，终于到了四年级，我 居然又把它找了出来，然后我又等啊等， 希望考到那张试卷，于是整个四年级就在 忐忑和期待中过去了…
我觉得吧，这可能 是我做过的最有毅力的事了
第一次去女友家拜访，回家时让未来的老 丈人开摩托车载我去汽车站，路上我坐中间，女友耍起我了，手手在我后背各种调 戏，我还可耻地硬了。。。。。前面坐着的是俺未来老丈人，我明显感觉到老丈人尴尬地挪动了一下身子。。。。。我没勇气活下去了都
小明：“老师让听写四个字，我错了五个。”
姐姐：“怪事！哪四个字？”
小明：“就是成语‘肆无忌惮’。可我当时听成了‘四五鸡蛋’，觉得不通顺，于是写成了‘四五个鸡蛋’。”
丈夫正要出门，妻子嘱咐他买点绿色蔬菜回来。
他走到菜市场，对一个菜农说：“这些蔬菜是为我妻子买的，上面有没有喷农药？”
菜农说：“真不好意思啊，没有。您买回去后自己喷吧！”
昨晚梦见和前女友去开房，房价10元rmb 。
我还没干什么，就被这房价笑醒了。
这算怎么回事啊！唉唉唉！
请从下列文字里找出＂出路＂二字。「胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子胖子」别找了，胖子没有出路。((╯‵□&prime
╯︵┻━┻）
希望有人成立一个不能吃葱花的教派，就像不能吃猪肉的伊斯兰教一样。今后被问到为什么把葱花挑出来的时候，我就能高贵冷艳的回答，“因为宗教的关系。”
老妈五十多岁，某天老妈在客厅看电视睡着了，我推门进来，老妈醒来看着我，然后用手指着我半天不说话，我不解问她怎么了，她说妈想叫你，忘了你叫啥名字了。 我。。。
某男正在未来岳父岳母家吃饭，突然他一个激动，一巴掌拍在桌子上，“妈的，我想通了，是for循环出的问题！”
我的人生失败极了。 我现在简直就是一个工具！每一个人都从后面上我，好多人带着血就进去了！有的人上完还不给钱！每一次我都呜哇呜哇的叫！大家都躲着我，看我的眼神怪怪的，唯恐避之不及，我对这个冷漠的世界绝望了，我到底做错了什么！我只是一辆救护车啊！
同学手机被偷了，我们安慰她：“一个破手机，算啦...”
她说：“心疼的是手机里的照片，那些青春怕是最美好的记忆了。”
我们给她出主意，给自己手机发个短信，和小偷说，只要手机里的照片就好，其实心里清楚，也都已经不抱希望。
但意外的是不一会短信就回过来了："对不起啊，太丑了，都给删掉了..."
当年在宿舍和一个同学看电影，忽然看到他左右脸颊各有一道细细的反光条，我问”你看哭了？！”
他忙擦眼泪说”没有！是蜗牛！”他要是个小孩子或者女孩子的话一定能把我萌打滚了，可他是个男大学生，当场被我打翻在地
若金庸小说可以用“飞雪连天射白鹿，笑书神侠倚碧鸳”来概括
那古龙的《情人箭》《碧玉刀》《萧十一郎》《流星蝴蝶剑》《剑毒梅香》
《血鹦鹉》《借尸还魂》、《神君别传》《七种武器》《圆月弯刀》《洗剑录》
《菊花的刺》连起来就是“情人玉箫流毒血，借君七圆洗菊花”
上午泌尿外科，急诊送来一男的，JJ海绵体折断，医生问怎么伤的，那男的说晚上和老婆玩刺激，大概就是让他老婆脱光了两腿分开靠墙站着，男的从远处冲过去直接进洞，一切准备就绪后，gc来了，冲过去的时候，那女的突然觉得怕痛闪开了。。。没错，那男的撞墙上了，小jj撞断了～断了。
今天去手机店缴费，碰上一妹子也在缴，妹子瘦瘦小小的，也不爱说话
营业员问是不是来缴费的，妹子淡淡的点了点头，营业员问手机号，妹子报了号
声音柔柔弱弱的，她刚想离开柜台的时候手机响了
她接起来，还是用淡淡的语气说：“你先下完副本，然后回去我把BOSS打死
我再教你怎么用技能打怪。”……妹子不可貌相啊=
今天中午在食堂吃饭，碰到班里一个美女，我问她五一去哪玩？她说跟男朋友爬山去，我就叮嘱了句：注意安全啊。妹子来了句：没事，准备了两盒呢。
嘴里的饭差点吐出来。。。
说到金融大鳄，今天多了一个名词叫“中国大妈”。在经过一年的前期酝酿造势，华尔街大鳄们终于出手做空黄金了，黄金大跌，世界哗然。不料半路杀出一群中国大妈，瞬间1000亿人民币，300吨黄金被大妈们扫了。整个华尔街为之震动，华尔街投多少大妈们买多少，在这种对赌中，4月26日高盛率先退出做空黄金。
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
