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孙悟空知道师傅又要唠叨了所以提前去花果山享清静去了。
唐僧念起了紧箍咒，不料这时一个清脆的女声吓到了他。
女声说:对不起，您拨打的电话已关机，请稍后再拨……
博州刺史琅琊王李冲起兵谋反 ，反对武则天当政，豫州刺史越王李贞起兵响应。
叛军一路烧杀掳掠，奸淫掠夺，无恶不作。
张光辅上京，将沿途所见于殿上奏曰：“吾皇，臣于途中亲眼所见，敌人节操丧失”
一旁的狄仁杰怒目圆睁，大喝道：“你胡说！我何时操过丧尸！”
十一岁的弟弟和他十三岁的表哥在平安夜因为两个小橘子吵了一架。最后弟弟看着他表哥比他高一个头害怕了，就把小橘子让给他了。今天看见他在空间里写了一个说说：不是我妥协了。只是我不想让矛盾更深。你不懂退让，我懂。然后看见他表哥在下边评论：明天我在操场等你。。。
表妹知道我没对象，就嚷嚷着要介绍漂亮妹纸给我认识，
我感动得啊，但是我还是义正言辞的拒绝了她，
因为她年龄只是个位数……
手机响了，竟然是前女友打来的，我呆呆地望着屏幕。
铃声一消失，马上关机取出手机卡，找出两年前用的诺基亚装了进去，
发短信给她：没听见，再打来。
片刻，她果然打来了，我猛地抓起电话，大吼：你还有脸打来？
然后用尽力气把手机摔在地上，自动挂机后！心满意足的说道：诺基亚果然硬！
一女的晚上跟男友打电话，这丫深情地说： “亲爱的，无论你以后变傻了还是变笨了， 还是变老变丑了，我都会爱你不变的。”
“要是我瘫痪了，半身不遂了呢？”
这货沉默两秒“上半身还是下半身？”
一名女子站在峭壁顶上，迟疑着是否要跳下去。 一个乞丐正好经过这里，想救她，他灵机一动，上前说：“哎，既然你都打算要死了，那就陪我睡一觉怎么样？”
女子说：“恶心！滚！”
乞丐转身边走边说：“不要算啦，那我直接去下面等着就是。”
女孩恐惧的看了乞丐一眼，就跑了。。。
跟男朋友去看北京遇上西雅图，剧中汤唯说：他是世界上最好的男人，他也许不会带我去吃法餐，坐游艇，但他愿意每天早上为我跑几条街去买我最爱吃的豆浆油条...
我马上转头向男友撒娇：人家每天早上也要吃豆浆油条...
谁知那二货不紧不慢的说：油条含着，豆浆马上就来！
GC是我居然秒懂啊...啊啊啊...我的节操啊..
同学聚会，一单身女同学向我老婆炫耀她刚买的iphone5：这粉色限量版只花6000多，这样的奢侈品真划算。
老婆：你这算什么，（拉着我）我的奢侈品陪吃陪喝陪逛街，卖萌逗乐帮刷卡，唱歌跳舞当司机等各种智能功能~一次充电终身使用，我的奢侈品是有一个好老公，你有吗？
同学脸都绿了
下班开车回家，红灯，停在一辆辉腾的后面，正准备好好看看这低调的车的时候，左边停了一辆宾利，右边停了一辆奔驰，而且从后视镜里看到，后面跟上来一辆保时捷。
我只想问，这是什么情况？难道哪个富家千金看上我了？要绑架我？
当年我给我们的老总儿子做媒人，两人谈成结婚后，我在单位那是顺风顺水。。。
谁料不到二年，却被老总调到了一个很不景气的小厂。
我这心里是怎么也想不明白。便问我们老总：“您是不是有什么事儿误会儿了？我一直都是尽职尽责的啊。”
老总道：“只知道尽职尽责哪能行？你对某些项目的考察太缺乏预见性，使我的一大笔投资没有产出！”
老总的话让我很纳闷，回家后我让妻子帮着分析一下。
妻子听后沉思片刻，道：“莫非那事是真的！”
我惊恐的问：“什么事？”
妻子直愣愣地看着我说：“早就听说你给老总介绍的儿媳没有生育能力，看来这消息是真的了！”
家里养了条狗，平时叫她上床就喊她上来，然后她就会蹦上来。
那天她在我们屋睡，然后我和老公OX的时候，老公说，来，宝贝，上来
我家的狗噌的一下就窜上来了，兴奋地舔我老公的脸。
我当时真有一种骂她不要抢我老公的冲动……
（总觉得会有人往丧尸的方向去想←_←）
今天在公交上碰到一有趣的大爷，一开始给他让座，我说:“大爷，你坐这吧！”大爷说:“小伙，谢谢，你坐吧”我就站起来说:“坐吧”谁知大爷见我站了起来，大爷立马拉着上面的杆子，来了几个引体向上。我默默的坐下了，于是全车的人都笑了。我也笑了，大爷也笑了。
昨晚和二货老婆吵架了。我吵完就睡觉了，她又玩了会才睡的，结果第二天早上朋友都问我昨晚和老婆怎么了，我直接惊呆了，他们怎么知道的？？今天中午回来打开QQ空间发现那个二货竟然登了我的QQ发了条说说“翻来覆去实在睡不着，我怎么能干这种事呢？我真是太对不起媳妇了，她很宽容大度，我却觉得更加惭愧 。。。”
原来她跑我空间去争取群众了。
昨天，就在昨天！我在家玩电脑玩的正happy。我爹来我的住处！对我大喊：就知道 玩，写作业去！我无奈的退游戏，关机！
回答：哦。知道了！
猛然见，我想起来， 我特么25了啊！我毕业好几年了啊！写毛线作业啊！关键是我婚都接了，娃都6个月了！
高考不就是考个试么，有本事你就再难点，有本事你问我三圈环流对罗马法形成有何影响，有本事你问我从汉朝到清朝的政治制度画成函数图像是什么样，有本事你叫我把史记拿英语全翻译出来，来啊！来啊！有本事你来啊！。。。。。。。反正我今年也不用高考。
（扯淡，前两个真有本事也弄不出来好伐）
老家农村的，小时候跟损友一起偷看女孩洗澡！
结果被发现了，我一溜烟跑了！
我那损友被女孩家长逮着了！女孩家长为了清白要跟我损友结娃娃亲。
多少年后竟然真结婚了，娃现在都打酱油了！
本屌第一次恨自己当年咋就跑那么快呢？
给老师发邮件交作业忘了写名字，上课老师问，“一只感觉不会再爱的鸡”
同学，请你告诉我你是谁，不然没法给你打分啊。
全班爆笑，我什么都没听到……
武松怒目圆睁，伸手去抓墙上的戒刀！武大忙拉住弟弟的袖子：＂二郎，其实我已经赢了！＂，武松吃惊的看着大哥。武大继续说：＂10月，西门官人才来咱家19次，同比下降17%，环比虽然上升22%，但是增幅明显放缓；昨天和你嫂子在楼上的时间只有71分钟，同比下降24%呢，这明显是害怕我了。＂
一个人在家，洗完澡后穿条内裤坐电脑前一边上网一边吃核桃，家里没夹子，都是牙咬开的，有一粒实在是咬不动，两粒一起捏也老是它赢。最后只剩下它了，搞不开怎么办呢？突然灵机一动：可以用门夹开啊，屋里的木门怕不结实，只有防盗门是铁的，于是跑到门外，把核桃塞门缝里，用力一拉门，哈！核桃全碎了，门却关上了，于是穿条内裤站在家门外。。。
记得有一次一朋友要和他女朋友爱爱。女朋友去洗洗了，给他找了本书看。结果朋友就一直看到了天亮。他女朋友急的。。就分了。。我还记得那本书叫斗破苍穹。
冬天起床是件很困难的事，但是如果你可以狠下心来的话，就什么都不是事了。
有个室友，为了准时起床复习考研，录了一段闹铃（手机放在桌子上），
把从小到大的秘密说了个遍，并在前边加上一段前奏：大家快来听我的秘密……
这个方法不仅保证了他瞬间清醒立马滚下床。
同时还通过挖掘好奇心的方式让我们也养成了早起的好习惯。
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About the game:
USA as a world power? In E-Sim it is possible!
In E-Sim we have a huge, living world, which is a mirror copy of the Earth. Well, maybe not completely mirrored, because the balance of power in this virtual world looks a bit different than in real life. In E-Sim, USA does not have to be a world superpower, It can be efficiently managed as a much smaller country that has entrepreneurial citizens that support it's foundation. Everything depends on the players themselves and how they decide to shape the political map of the game.
Work for the good of your country and see it rise to an empire.
Activities in this game are divided into several modules. First is the economy as a citizen in a country of your choice you must work to earn money, which you will get to spend for example, on food or purchase of weapons which are critical for your progress as a fighter. You will work in either private companies which are owned by players or government companies which are owned by the state. After progressing in the game you will finally get the opportunity to set up your own business and hire other players. If it prospers, we can even change it into a joint-stock company and enter the stock market and get even more money in this way.
In E-Sim, international wars are nothing out of the ordinary.
Become an influential politician.
The second module is a politics. Just like in real life politics in E-Sim are an extremely powerful tool that can be used for your own purposes. From time to time there are elections in the game in which you will not only vote, but also have the ability to run for the head of the party you're in. You can also apply for congress, where once elected you will be given the right to vote on laws proposed by your fellow congress members or your president and propose laws yourself. Voting on laws is important for your country as it can shape the lives of those around you. You can also try to become the head of a given party, and even take part in presidential elections and decide on the shape of the foreign policy of a given state (for example, who to declare war on). Career in politics is obviously not easy and in order to succeed in it, you have to have a good plan and compete for the votes of voters.
You can go bankrupt or become a rich man while playing the stock market.
The international war.
The last and probably the most important module is military. In E-Sim, countries are constantly fighting each other for control over territories which in return grant them access to more valuable raw materials. For this purpose, they form alliances, they fight international wars, but they also have to deal with, for example, uprisings in conquered countries or civil wars, which may explode on their territory. You can also take part in these clashes, although you are also given the opportunity to lead a life as a pacifist who focuses on other activities in the game (for example, running a successful newspaper or selling products).
At the auction you can sell or buy your dream inventory.
E-Sim is a unique browser game. It's creators ensured realistic representation of the mechanisms present in the real world and gave all power to the players who shape the image of the virtual Earth according to their own. So come and join them and help your country achieve its full potential.
Invest, produce and sell - be an entrepreneur in E-Sim.
Take part in numerous events for the E-Sim community.
