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5. EXPECT OBEDIENCE
Your child will be as obedient as you expect, or as defiant as you allow. When we ask parents of obedient kids why their children obey, they all answer, "Because we expect them to." Simple as this sounds, many parents let this basic fact of discipline slip away. They are too busy, their child is "strong-willed;" they make excuses: "It's just a developmental phase."

In the early years children don't know what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable until you tell them. one evening at a kid-friendly restaurant, we observed two families handling the same discipline situation in two different ways. The two-and-a-half-year-old in one family was incessantly climbing over the back of the booth, and she kept this climbing behavior up until it became disruptive to nearby patrons. Wimpy "don'ts" from the parents did not deter the persistent climber. It was clear this child had no idea that climbing was unacceptable behavior. She got the message, "We prefer that you not climb, but we're not going to do anything about it."

Another two-and-a-half-year-old got a different message and showed different behavior. The parent sat the child next to him, frequently acknowledged the child, and kept him involved in the family conversation. As soon as the toddler began to climb, the father immediately redirected him and politely planted the climber back in his seat. With a combination of creative distraction and respectful restraint, the parent conveyed to the child that he was expected to refrain from climbing because climbing would disturb the people in the next booth. The child got the message that any effort to climb the seat would not be okay. The child filed this experience into his memory bank, to be retrieved the next time they went to a restaurant when, presumably, he made fewer attempts to climb over the seat.

Was the parent in the second family exhibiting controlling behavior? Yes, but in the right sense of the term. Abusive control is when you forcibly impose your will upon your child, expecting him to obey, but to the detriment of your relationship. When you insist on obedience and help the child to get control of himself, you are using your power over the child in a good way that helps him develop inner controls. Remember, children want limits so that they don't feel out of control, and they want parents to stand by those limits. They keep testing the limits to see if you will uphold them. When you don't, the child feels anxious that no one is strong enough to contain him. To a child, that is scary.
6. MODEL DISCIPLINE
A model is an example your child imitates. The mind of a growing child is a sponge, soaking up life's experiences; it's a video camera capturing everything a child hears and sees, storing these images in a mental vault for later retrieval. These stored images, especially those frequently repeated by significant persons in the child's life, become part of his personality—the child's self. So, one of your jobs as parents is to provide good material for your child to absorb.

"But I can't be perfect." of course not. No parent is perfect. While writing this book, Martha and I would often say, "We know all this stuff and we still keep making mistakes." In fact, it's unhealthy to model perfection—a goal that neither parent nor child can meet (though many are crippled by trying). It's the overall impression that your child receives that counts, not the occasional blunders or outbursts. If a parent is habitually angry, anger becomes part of the child's self. The child learns that this is the way people deal with life. If a parent models happiness and trust, with an occasional angry tirade, the child sees a healthier model: People are happy most of the time, but sometimes difficulties make you angry. You handle the situation and go back to being happy.

Parents, you are the first people your child knows. You are the first caregivers, authority figures, playmates, male and female. You set the standard for your child's attitude toward authority, her ability to play with peers, and her sexual identity. Part of yourself becomes part of your child. Yes, much of a child's behavior is genetic. More than one parent has been known to remark, "He came wired that way," but much is also influenced by the child's behavioral models.
7. NURTURE YOUR CHILD'S SELF-CONFIDENCE
The growing person with a positive self-image is easier to discipline. She thinks of herself as a worthwhile person, and so she behaves in a worthwhile way. She is able to forgo some willful misbehavior to maintain this feeling of well-being. When this child does misbehave, she returns more quickly to the right path, with less need for punishment.

Not so the child with poor self-image. The child who doesn't feel right doesn't act right. His parents don't trust him, so he can't trust himself. No one expects him to behave well, so he doesn't. The bad behavior cycle begins: the more misbehavior, the more punishment, which intensifies the child's anger and lowers the child's self-esteem, producing more bad behavior. This is why our approach to discipline focuses primarily on promoting inner well-being in the child from the beginning. Throughout life your child will be exposed to people and events that contribute to his self-worth and to others that chip away at it. We call these builders and breakers. We will help you to set the conditions that expose your child to many more builders than breakers, and, of course, to be a builder yourself.
8. SHAPE YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR
A wise parent is like a gardener who works with what he has in his garden and also decides what he wants to add. He realizes he cannot control the characteristics of the flowers, when they bloom, their scent and color; but he can add those colors that are missing in his garden, and he can shape it to be more beautiful. There are flowers and weeds in every child's behavior. Sometimes flowers bloom so beautifully that you don't even notice the weeds; other times the weeds overtake the flowers. The gardener waters the flowers, stakes the plants to help them grow straight, prunes them for maximum bloom, and keeps the weeds in check.

Children are born with some behavioral traits that either flourish or are weeded out, depending on how the children are nurtured. other traits are planted and vigorously encouraged to grow. Taken altogether, these traits make up the child's eventual personality. Your gardening tools as a parent are techniques we call shapers, time-tested ways to improve your child's behavior in everyday situations. These shapers help you weed out those behaviors that slow your child down and nurture those qualities that help him mature.

Most shaping of a child's behavior is a when-then reaction. (When Billy's room is a mess, Mom says "No more playing outside until it's cleaned up." Eventually, the child internalizes these shapers, developing his own inner systems of when-then, and in so doing learns to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. ("When my room is a mess, it's no fun to play there, so I better clean it up." He learns to shape his own behavior.

At each stage of development, your shaping tools change, depending on the needs of your little garden. In the discipline section of this site, we give you gardening tips to help you confidently shape your child's behavior and make his personality work to his advantage, so he will be a more likable person who contributes to the garden of life.
9. RAISE KIDS WHO CARE
Being a moral child includes being responsible, developing a conscience, and being sensitive toward the needs and rights of others. A moral child has an inner code of right and wrong that is linked to his inner sense of well-being. Inside himself he knows that "I feel right when I act right, and I feel wrong when I act wrong." The root of being a moral child is sensitivity to one's self and to others, along with the ability to anticipate how one's actions will affect another person—and to take that into account before proceeding. one of the most valuable social skills you can help your child develop is empathy—the ability to consider another person's rights and feelings. Children learn empathy from people who treat them empathetically. one of the best ways to turn out good citizens is to raise sensitive children.

Besides teaching children responsible behavior toward others and toward things, also teach them to take responsibility for themselves. one of the most valuable tools for life you can give your child is the ability to make wise choices. You want to plant a security system within your child that constantly reminds him: think through what you're about to do. By learning to take responsibility for their actions in small things children prepare to make right choices when the consequences are more serious. our wish for you is to help you raise kids who care.

here are the principles upto 9.. the last principle will be published in the next article.

To Be Continued..................

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